When our true will, strength and power is engaged we are no longer as broken as we felt when we were beaten down before or felt we were torn apart, weak, useless, lying fallow as a wreckage, feeling destroyed by a thousand beliefs we came to believe which were not really speaking the truth about who we really are, a spirit who survived all of this and can use his or her heart and gut to feel the battle cry inside that says “This is me. This is what I feel. I have known deep pain. I am not totally broken. Or at least, out of this breaking arose a spirit who is love. I am worthy. I deserve my own love.”
When we enter the dark place where we finally have to confront the erroneous beliefs we came to believe when others were not emotionally present for us, through no fault of our own, we seem to find ourselves knee deep in a pile of what seem like broken dreams. We looked to that person to show us we were worthy, that we deserved love, but they loved themselves or some one else more, and so we came to believe we were not worthy and deserving of love. After all wasn’t that the deeper message that our childhood experience, the belief we unconsciously carried into another relationship and which became the worm at the centre that in the end ending up eating holes in everything?
We may have played the belief of our own badness or unworthiness over and over in our head. The person who left may have slammed the door or walked away into the sunset saying that it was because of us. And may be in some way it was, in that perhaps somewhere in some deeply unconscious corner of our soul we did believe there was ‘something wrong with us’. But what if that something wrong was just a failure to believe in the truth that as soul we are not broken, we are not empty.
When we actually turn to face and embrace ourselves, our whole self, that self inside that can be the mother and father to a child who so long ago needed that love we truly do reclaim ourselves and our power to be, to feel, to heal, to breathe, no longer as crushed inward and broken apart inside. In the facing of it all and the accepting of it all we collect those scattered fragments and give birth to a new life.
At the very moment, when we most feel our self has gone and that the final word is that we do not matter, the truth is that we do. And the deepest truth : that perhaps this latest wound or abandonment happened to us so that we could find our way home to our true self. For without this self what have we to give? Without a knowing of our own truth, of our own pain, of our own feelings how can we be real, how can we fully live?
Yesterday I posted a piece on the broken winged bird inside my heart. I was moved by the story of a woman who was also recovering from addiction and undergoing so much confusion, finding herself in the open windy, wild spaces of a Scottish island in search of an elusive bird whose numbers were dwindling. I don’t fully know why it broke me open so much but on some level I could not fail to see a symbolism in that bird that was becoming extinct and the gentle feminine tender feeling spirit born within each boy and girl that so often gets lost in a society that fails to teach us proper ways to value, nurture and tend our souls and the truth we find there waiting to be embodied set free.
I do know that each of us has within us that tender hearted place were deeper truths are known. So much of our modern condition seems designed to shut it down or seal it off, it fails in so many ways to help us find and nurture our own precious individual soul and spirit which when cared for over time develops strong wings to fly and soar in free self love and expression. When those wings fail to form we are broken in some way, we have lost the capacity to elevate ourselves above our suffering just far enough to gain the correct perspective on it. We struggled in a world that so often didn’t see us or told us we needed to feel or be or think something else. It takes a strong belief to recognise who we really are inside, not the roles we play, not the diagnostic label slapped on us but instead the strong beating heart that resides in the seat of our soul, a tender little fledgling just needing all of our love and encouragement to fly.