I awoke this morning in such a shell shocked state but with a kind of quiet calm around me, on a clear, bright, crisp morning of sunshine. I had a fitful night again. Since my dental surgery I have not slept well. The violent mid night sleep awakenings have returned again fraught with explosive feelings inside my body and memories of painful events flowing down like a river of burning coals. And then the thoughts of my mother and all she has endured over the years of various mental disturbance and anguish in my family commencing with my older sister cerebral bleed and going on from there were running over my mind.
Seeing her in the state she was in yesterday filled me with anguish and the deepest most profound sadness. I wanted to pick her up and take her to a place where there would be human angels to care for her and shower her with love. Its all I want for her really. But one central recent event particularly was haunting me. A few years ago after my remaining sister’s third or fourth hospitalisation for catatonic depression following her sad abuse at the hands of her family where she was forceably committed to a psychiatric institution in another city while on what was a so called ‘manic’ spree my Mum had a fall down some stairs.
At the time she was trying to carry a packed suitcase of things down four flights of stairs in my sister’s apartment block to take to the hospital. My sister had come out of the last psychiatric stay and fallen two times due to the medication she was given lowering her blood pressure. She just collapsed and hit her head open and had to be taken to hospital again. My mother phoned me that morning and I think she needed my help, but I didn’t want to give it. At that point I was exhausted by the hospitalisations of my sister and her attempted suicide in 2013 and the outfall of that. The only way I really felt ‘safe’ was by keeping my distance. And I did not know my Mum would attempt to do such a silly thing, as she never mentioned the need to pack a suitcase. Never the less I still feel shame and guilt which I know rationally on some level is not deserved and I need to share what goes on inside my mind as at night it has such a dark power over me.
That day around the time my Mum must have fallen or been preparing the case I was at the park with Jasper and my entire body and brain was flooded with pressure. It was so bad I left Jasper in the confined part of the dog park and raced off into an open field a little way away. I was only gone about 20 minutes and when I came back an angelic young man with long hair was with Jasper. As he came towards me I put my head in my hands and just cried with the pain and overwhelm. He was so kind and just sat with me and we talked about my struggle and my family. It must have been around that time that my Mum fell and was lying at the bottom of the staircase 20 minutes away. She ended up fracturing her pelvis and that injury amongst others had dogged her for 3 years. From memory it happened in 2014 though so much has happened that I cant fully remember now.
When I bought the autobiography of Eva Schloss a few weeks ago, the woman who survived Auschwitz with her mother I shared some of it on line here. I thought about my own connection to the survivor story and of my own hidden Jewish heritage. (My great great grandmother renounced her Jewish ancestry and faith when she married by great great grandfather in the 1860s) and wondered why that story had such resonance and power for me. Eva never spoke about her time in Auschwitz until the 1980s when she was asked to open a memorial to her dead step sister Anne Frank. She remained silent for over 40 years and only then did the tears begin to fall. I always think when we read something or are drawn to it there is a reason. We are seeking understanding or a resonance with another’s experience or haunting. Was I also a survivor of war. Can we equate Nazisim with narcissism, the two are similar.
There is perhaps no way to say what I have been through is as extreme as Auschwitz but the degree of trauma in my family over the past 30 years and the painful aftermath of emotional distancing and dissociation in my family to survive has deep so deeply painful for me as the youngest. John Bradshaw in drawing attention to birth order theory says that in the dysfunctional or traumatised family the fourth or youngest child carries the thwarted unification needs of the family. They want to bring healing to the suffering and attention to the wounds and emotional togetherness. They are also often an outsider or witness. The second child is often the scapegoat and acts out the unconscious suffering of the family and is then shunned or considered a failure. In my older sister’s case it wasn’t that she was shunned, just excluded by a chain of events that saw her marry early and leave the family before it was fully forming its place in the world, when she came back and tried to find a place in it, that was when she came badly unstuck. By the time I came along there was precious little attention left for a young girl who was so very much younger in age than any of her siblings in a family subsumed by survival and an upwardly mobile materialist improvement project.
My own trauma of a major near death experience at the age of 17 and the loss of my teeth has all been retriggered with the latest dental work and I need to be mindful of that. In two days time it is the 13th anniversary of the day my husband finally packed his bags and left me all alone at the coast unable to take any steps forward to get emotional help but mired by then in over 30 years of pain. So its no wonder suicidal feelings were around strongly on Sunday and have been dogging me a lot over the past week.
At this point its early morning here as I said. I was brought to tears by the love shown by valued followers on my last post Rocking you may never truly know how much it means just to read some kind words or to see a little heart symbol in the comments section of my post on awakening at this point in time. I was full of such sadness and ghosting feelings of guilt over my Mum’s fall. But I also know that what happened with my family was in so many ways far bigger than any young child in a family could fully deal with or heal.
Sad consequences of things in my family have affected me deeply. As the youngest swept up in such wild, swirling and traumatic seas over many years I have done well to survive the war with my sanity and mental state as in tact as it is. There has been an ocean of tears, longing and pain to navigate, an ocean of love. Throughout it all I have managed to keep my heart as open as I possibly could. So many times I opened it to those who were invested in me shutting it back down, those who told me to ‘put it all behind me’ or ‘get the hell as far away from it as you can’, but I know if I ran I would only take the trauma with me. Staying here or fronting up to the past has been much harder in so many ways but I do believe it has been necessary.
I do see myself not as the saviour in all of it, which would be a kind of hubris really but more as the teller of the tale who sitting a bit far off on the sidelines is able in some strange way to give a voice to all of it. I also know that as much as my family and its trauma and suffering has shaped me it does not need to define me as long as I bring consciousness to it, as well as to the mixed up tangled ball of thread of painful feelings which when unravelled and not shown necessary empathy and mercy could destroy me, if I let them. In time once the telling of the tale is done I will be able to take distance but as the sober one I will always carry the ache. I just need more emotionally than my empty well or vortex of family can truly provide.
In the end I am a survivor and hope in time to be a thriver. I am also a witness and perhaps in some way a war reporter too, but not one who maintains only objective distance, rather one who in sinking to and at times almost being drowned in the depths of unconscious feelings that are not personal but deeply collective emerges in time with a dark pearl within which are contained all the composites of feelings and traumas gone before. I will not be told that pearl is a stone that needs to be discarded, painful and traumatic as it has been. This life is the one that life has given me, not chosen and I am still in the painful process of disentangling myself and finding a way to live outside of multiple traumas that could so easily have buried me. But I am also seeing I deserve so much more, and have so much more to give. Its just at 55 I still have not found my path. My blog is really my only pathway to the outside at this point. And at this point maybe I just need to accept that and be open to the possibility of change, scary as that is.