My ambivalence to awards!

I just read a comment from Vapor Sage who I nominated for the Mystery Blogger Award that he reluctantly played along with it.  It highlighted that I also felt very ambivalent about participating and about all awards really.  I feel we can become so externally focused on recognition at times, that we may lose our way.

It is important me to know that what I write or share here resonates for others.  I try to be as honest as I can.  But at times I struggle with knowing my own heart or at least feeling comfortable enough to fully express my truth.  It comes from a childhood in which I was teased a lot and often told I didn’t feel a certain way.

I remember when I was very young I used to write a lot.  My older sister had left at that stage and she was the only one I related to emotionally and so I must have started writing then due to feeling all alone.  I remember how I wrote somewhere that I was in love with Peter Woolridge, my first boyfriend from my primary school.  My Mum always invaded my boundaries and she found what I had written and then stormed at me and laughed saying “you are too young to know what love is!”  Ouch!

This is the reason at times I struggle to trust my own feelings and truth.  Initially when I was nominated for the award I was happy my blog touched someone, but were they nominating me because you have to pay it forward when you participate? At the same time another part of me balked.  This isn’t really why I write my blog.

I wasn’t affirmed or validated much as a child.  Often I was told I was too big for my boots, or showing off, or that children should be seen and not heard.   So I am ambivalent about awards.  Never the less yesterday I chose to do something different and participate because sometimes its good to try new things.   I was a bit tired last night though after having to answer all the questions and think up my own.  Today I am wondering did I do what I should have done.  Should I have gone with my first impulse and just not participated in the award?

Maybe there is no right or wrong answer and I hope I haven’t caused others distress by nominating them.  There is no pressure to participate if you don’t want to. 🙂