We are human but we are instinctual animals. We feel wounds in a heart that suffers and when injustice strikes us we can roar and rage and burn. Mars planet of assertion and action has moved into Leo ruled by the element of fire over the past few days and today I have been really feeling it. I have been feeling the impact of all the assaults on my animal body from a very young age and the deeper fury of now having no front teeth. Eating with my denture is painful and the roof of my mouth is sore. So today I have been raging at home and then at the oval Jasper and I made a new friend we were able to share about our challenges and difficulties. I told her how angry I was today and how Jasper looked a bit scared at first when I was screaming and roaring around at home but when I told him the anger had nothing to do with him and gave him pat he was fine and soon calmed down. She then felt safe enough to open up about their own issues. It was another of those special moments of grace.
My rage seems to have abated now. I did visit Mum today at the hospital and she held my hand in hers while I cried about the pain of the denture. She opened up to me about how she never felt her mother gave her a sense of being worthwhile. In fact she never told Mum that she loved her once in her life. She was crying as she said this. I felt so sad for her and for my family that has suffered deep wounds of lack of nurture. We spoke about the impact of the First World War that took her father from her and then we shared some sadness over the emotional distance in our family. It was painful and sad but I also felt a deep sense of peace because we were really sharing openly from our hearts.
“All of my life I have tried to do the right thing by others.” she said. “Now I am so tired I really don’t want to be here any more!” Oh Mum, my heart ached and I saw how I also have been a compassionate caretaker at times in the absence of really knowing any other way to be. It was half an hour of raw honesty between us, during which I fully accepted the painful karmic consequences of my maternal ancestral history.
Today I have no answers to the sadness of what we have lived in our family. But perhaps accepting the truth will provide a kind of liberation. Getting into a rage over what is passed will not help me for very long, in some way I need to find ways to live outside all of that lovelessness, disconnection and unhappiness to find happiness and connection again. It is going to take me some time to get used to my new denture.
I am also glad I no longer feel the need to keep distance between me and my Mum, sadly she passed down very real wounds to me and over those I am powerless. The only real power I have now is over the choices in my life and whether they are based in peace and serenity or anger and disturbance. The later doesn’t really lead me to any place of calm and self soothing. I need to let go of what can cause hurt or pain so that I no longer live in a place of hurt and pain recycling over and over again. Taking some time out on Sunday made me able to be there yesterday in a way which didn’t deplete me, but rather filled me up with peace. And today I felt was a day of real healing.