I feel very naked and vulnerable today. Having my front tooth removed, just rolling over and having to have another invasive procedure has brought up both my trauma and my lack of boundaries and powerless feelings. Then my mother has been taken into hospital all around the time I am struggling to eat and even breathe properly.
Someone mentioned in a comment that I was obsessing on forgiveness. I wish I didn’t have to care so deeply. I wish I didn’t have to feel empathy for abusers but I do. I know what they do is wrong and damaging and I see at times due to compassion I have not set adequate boundaries because on some level I was trying to win love when really love comes from within if it comes from anywhere at all. From that point I can only feel utmost sadness for an abuser who is loveless and acting out that lovelessness on others.
I was distressed to read on another blog that someone had read something of mine on forgiving and understanding the grief of the mother. She commented that she was angry that I suggest we needed to forgive and that was not really what I was totally implying for to forgive if it means we can not set a boundary and keep ourselves loved, protected and safe is unhealthy and was not really what I wanted to imply. She had commented that she thought I had implied there was something wrong with her if she could not forgive. And that upset me very deeply as I know how much she is struggling with a mother who is almost completely emotionally damaged and barren. That is why I wanted to write this post as an apology and to say I am sorry if my blog is messy and confused, at times. Because of the love I feel for family I have often not self protected. I have given so much more back than I was ever really given in return and now, sadly at 55 it has taken losing my front teeth to realise it. I felt suicidal the other day because this deeper recognition was bursting out from the unconscious and I had held that particular post back for well over a year.
I still struggle because I do feel on earth nothing is perfect. There is real evil out there in terms of behaviour and perhaps not every soul is innocent as Marianne Williamson would like to have us believe. She writes that if we were to see other humans through Gods eyes we would see that everyone is innocent which implies some souls are unconscious but God still loves them. I believe in love and I want love to be at the very basis of everything I say and do. In a way if you think about it, its loving to set a boundary with an abuser, a saying of ‘this is not okay with me or by me’. And its loving to take care of ourselves and make sure we protect our precious vulnerable heart and soul. If that means never seeing the abuser again, then we must do it, surely as we are not responsible for anyone else’s fate.
I see sadly in my own life how childish illusion has sometimes painted abusers with rose coloured spectacles. Even my older sister who I loved a lot didn’t really protect me at times. She plied me with alcohol at an age well before I should really have been drinking. She was a wild spirit and being a wild spirit is great but not when it becomes self destructive to ourselves and others. In the end I made sacrifices that were too high to pay for her when she was severely mentally ill. As I look at it all now with eyes of sanity I see she did a lot of things that didn’t help herself. She abused her body and then submitted to taking psychiatric meds which fucked her up badly. There was a time I should have walked away and surrendered her to God but I could not do it. My inner child was still bonded deeply to the sister/mummy who was in so many ways lost or imprisoned.
Now I am a 55 year old woman with no front teeth. I know that losing the eye tooth is in some way connected to a deeper boundary failure in me but I now I have to say the apology to me. And now I see how absolutely I must put self care, self love and self forgiveness as the number one priority for me.
My own Mum is luckily not a hard core narcissist. In later years in many ways she has tried to compensate for her very real failures. That is why on some level I have been able to forgive her. But I am also aware of the damage done a few years ago when she refused to own her own mistakes when confronted and it was then I probably should have had less involvement with both her and my sister who sided with her. I see all of this now and know I failed in some way. I am owning the failure here. I am just a very real human being who struggles with self assertion, self believe and boundaries.
Sadly my life has not been the life I wish I could have lived had I had more emotional support. But now I can champion my own inner child I am sure it will improve and I will be able to make wiser choices. I just wont have front teeth! I cant deny what a sadness that is for me.
To all my followers and most especially to those who left such helpful comments on my last post, a big thank you. Thanks for sticking with me through this process. Thanks for sharing from your heart. Thanks for being real, honest and true.