Well it finally happened. Today the dentist took my front tooth out, the one that got broken in the accident. Four needles later and I am in a fair bit of pain and have a denture which is pretty uncomfortable. I cried a fair bit as the needles went in as I felt all the old powerlessness of being ‘acted upon’ and yet I knew this pain was the necessary price of self care, the tooth was cracked and infected. I remembered when I wanted to tighten up to let go and keep breathing.
Now if I have the denture out I see a wide gap in the front of my mouth with three missing teeth and the wound is bloody. This was the reality that was always obscured by a bridge in the past. I cannot sustain a bridge now so it is implants or dentures and I wasn’t up for implants. A large part of me just wants to go au naturel and not give a damn how I appear to others, after all my toothless state may flush out the inauthentic around me. (is that a nasty thought???)
I was proud of the way I mothered myself through the painful procedure. I talked to myself as gently as possible. I let myself know it was okay to cry and important to know that it hurt too but that this pain will pass in time. I kept affirming that love is the basis of everything and I imagined all my loved ones who have passed there with me during the procedure. I held my own hand really.
Yesterday driving home from my therapist I ran into dark grey rain clouds but by the time I neared my home the sun appeared visible as a globe of murky light behind the storm clouds. As I came around the block to my house a rainbow appeared, the first left sided end of it and then as I entered my street I saw the other end of the rainbow. It may sound strange to some of you but I thought this was an omen of love and a message from spirit that everything would be okay, a harbinger that everything though black and painful today would pass in time.
I heard an inner voice saying this to me. “Even though it looks as though the world is very dark and stormy, behind these clouds and storms a light is always shining, just remember those words you heard all those years ago at one of your lowest points, you will in time, emerge from the dark night victorious”. Then I cried and felt a strong breath of spiritual energy bath me in radiance and love.
I write this now and feel sick inside and I have been told not to eat anything for 2 hours. That time is now up and I am a little frightened to eat. I will make something soft, possibly some scrambled egg. Pain is here, lightly I acknowledge pain not making up any stories about it. Pain is here but in time pain will pass. These are my thoughts and feelings for today.