I wrote this post just after writing my post on avoidant attachment. When I shared that post with my therapist she said to me that she didn’t see my primary attachment wound as avoidant but that I did need to avoid to prevent abuse. It can be difficult for those of us not mirrored in childhood to see ourselves realistically and we do develop exquisite radar around abandonment. So I guess my style is primarily anxious with a little avoidance thrown in. Once I feel safe enough my avoidance melts away. That said this little bit of writing flowed out from my fingers yesterday and I said to therapist I was anxious to post it. She knows why. Its easier for me to feel less of my goodness and wholeness. And she loved this post so here goes :
How connected we can be often depends on how well others are open, available and awake enough to be connect to. It’s not much use trying to connect at depth with a shallow person and so many people would rather travel across the surface of life, never being brave enough to dive down deep beneath waves which may undo former reference points to open up a larger vista of awareness that lies beyond finite ego or reason.
It is something I have been considering lately after going to a group meeting and laying my soul bare and having not one person reach out to connect with me. I shared about it with my therapist on Tuesday but she did not fully understand why I had been treated that way when I opened my heart, but then I considered how many of those who shared were floating across the surface of things and seemed just a bit numb and so much of our society seems to be geared towards numbing.
Yet we feel, we are deep, we are complex, we have an inner child, often full of joy and curiosity and mystery, yet sadly more often that inner child is shut down and people almost sleep walk through life. Then there are those who are what Timothy Freke has called ‘deep awake’, they are alive and free. They take the risk to open their hearts and feel. They have not allowed themselves to become robotic, numbed out and dumbed down.
Thinking about it the sleepwalkers don’t really live in the same world as those of the awakened. Often the awakening in our society are told there is something wrong with them, for the waking up process can be painful. We have to see painful things, we have to face difficult truths, we have to seek deeper than reason alone, we see the pain of the world gone numb and we feel it deep inside. We can not longer just live in a cut off head with a pin through our neck blocking the deeper connection with soul, heart and spirit.
Days and days of ours may be filled with despair at times, but often that despair has a purpose and once we allow ourselves to feel it through rather than numb it, perhaps shedding tears we find that another layer or skin of psychic flesh has been peeled away. We stand alive, naked, awakened with singing flesh that may feel seared and raw but is never the less is vulnerably alive. Is not this a preferable state to sleepwalking?
Owning our reality, being it living it expressing it, without the need to dominate or convince but purely for the sheer joy of expression, is that not deeper freedom than being numb, unfeeling, asleep, unawakened? Do we need to feel bad if others don’t ‘get it’?
Do we then feel such despair because in trying to connect we have not been able to, due to not any defect in us, but rather due to another person’s non awakened state? Really we should not, we were just affected as a highly sensitive person by an energy field that was blocked, closed, shut off, shut down. That isn’t our fault. It has nothing to do with us. Once we let go and move away we will loosen that despair, find it fall away and we will walk free into our own destiny of awakening.