Everything goes black

I had to call my therapist this morning.  I had one of those terribly, terribly painful mornings where everything went black.  All the terrible things from the past, all the times I was hurt, all the times I could not find protection and love, all the memories of being drunk, drugged or cast out alone, all the betrayals were back running over and over and over and over in my mind and then the terrible morning spiral panic PTSD memory was capturing me.  A friend called and I didn’t take the call but just remembered horrible things he said in the past, I was deep, deep down in my wound in my blackness, in my feeling that everything around me is false and unreal.   And it was only the call to my therapist that helped me to link into my goodness, as I ran all the thoughts and pain past her she reminded me that this self is not the whole of me.   She reminded me of the goodness of my inner self and my inner child and she also reminded me to reach for what reminds me of that goodness today.  Some days it is so hard to find.

Yesterday I had a difficult day, I lost my watch while playing with Jasper at the oval, I looked everywhere but could not find it back.  I then logged on the computer to find a comment from someone who I had a very difficult experience with earlier in the year, at the end of it she publically shamed me by telling me that my life was pathetic,  it was a very very hard experience and it all came shortly after my birthday.  When I woke up at 2 in the morning I felt that who I really am is so black and dark and pathetic, while she is full of light, after all she was trying to help to promote my blog and when I mentioned in a later blog that it made me uncomfortable she took the post down, there was nothing wrong in that, as she was trying to do the right thing but it all escalated when I posted a post to say I am uncomfortable with promotion but had not told her directly.   Things rapidly spiralled downhill from there and seeing her comment yesterday really made me very very sad as I realised a chance to be close to someone had got lost again which reminded me of all the other times my insecurities and sensitivity have pushed others away.  But then there are those who would not be pushed away or if they were may show empathy and not be as cruel to say I was pathetic.   Never the less I try to be transparent so I am sharing about it here as that old pain obviously really triggered deep pain and feelings of worthlessness today.

After I spoke to Katina, Jasper wandered in for a cuddle.  In fact he only stays inside when I am not online and as I held on to him and felt his soft puppy fur I was reminded of all that is best and most pure and special to me in my life.  Jasper connects me to my inner child who has so often been buried and hidden and is so often terrified of being exposed.  She is the part of me though that exists beyond the hurt and pain of later years in which misunderstanding or insensitivity of others has hurt me.  Some times she shows to me the face of wounded child, a situation in which she is covered in scars and wounds that she bore from a painful, lonely and abandoning past.  But at other times she shows herself as the vibrant soulful child who is full of joy and innocence.

I think the saddest thing that happened with my blogger ex friend is that she open heartedly tried to embrace and champion my blog, but it felt too exposing for me at that time and maybe a deeper part of me felt I may not be worth it.   It was a difficult experience that can still hurt me but it also has some kind of lessons, but when these painful things rear their heads again the old darkness can descend.  I am reminded of the many years I lived in an emotional wilderness so far from connection both with my inner child’s pain and joy.

Mars has just entered the twelfth house of my chart this week and I am reminded too that at this time all our old wounds, mistakes and failures come back to haunt us, we are also opened up to shadowy depths of old things slumbering in the deep unconscious that we need to make our peace with.  During this transit we can be so hard on ourselves and I must admit that again today I had very powerful suicidal feelings but maybe this is just another dark passage way I have to go through, by far not a foreign experience for I lived in this haunted and haunting place alone for years.  Fear of depending, being vulnerable and mother/attachment wounds are all associated with the issue we face with Mars in Cancer as it has been for well over a month now.  The Mars energy indicates where our healing energy needs to be focused and often we only heal through opening up the wounds and cleaning them out, or by wrapping them softly in a bandage.  That is how I feel today, the wound in me is throbbing and so I need most especially to go gently and be very aware of not letting the blackness and pain and negativity eclipse what is also good and positive in me completely.