Yesterday : what was too painful to post.

Watching Glennon Melton’s video on staying with ‘hot loneliness’ and pain has triggered me deeply today.  I have noticed that for the past few days grief and a breaking open of feeling has been so close to the surface.  Instead of looking towards how my past has affected me I have been looking at the way I responded and feeling guilt and disappointment with myself.  While I know these are real feelings I may also be being hard on myself in that up to this point I have done the best I could.  I have looked to others to support me and accepted that financial help.  I have fallen back on family so that I could rest but I don’t always let myself rest and often I run into busyness as a distraction from just being with myself and my feelings.

A little while ago when I was crying quiet deeply with thinking about all I have put family members through with my own struggle, my dog Jasper wandered in and sat quietly.  We had a moment of deep silence and stillness but then looking at him I was overcome with how often he has received the projections of my own inner child.  Yesterday after walking him I just drove around with him in the car as he was so relaxed after our walk, run and play at the park.  I then dropped him home before going out but as I did I had a memory of being very young and having a holiday with my older sister and being so sad about the fact I had to go home, on a jet plane to my home town when all I wanted was to stay with my sister and her family.  I was crying as all of this was coming up yesterday and then I had the thought that I just had to embrace the pain and still take the step to move on with my day and leave Jasper to his alone time.

Much as we would like to we cannot live inside another’s skin and we cannot forever be permanently joined at the hip.   Separation brings pain and perhaps some people manage to go through it without feeling the attendant level of pain and anxiety that I often do.  At these moments I can tend to beat myself up with negative voices or judgements when really what is best to do is just open to the feeling, allow it a place but not attach to it either.

And all of this links into something so much more powerful.  All of those years ago when I had the chance to become an adult and separate into my own life I was pulled back to the family and to the unconscious past and I see on some level it was the unintegrated child in me who pulled me back, as well as very mixed up enmeshment feelings that in some way my life sacrifice to be there could be something that meant I found a purpose but what actually happened to me was that I lost my purpose.

My purpose was then to explore how I got to this state in the first place and so the past 5 or more years have been focused very strongly on my therapy,  on working to become an emotional adult.  And lately I am feeling that a physical separation of some kind needs to come about which means I need to leave the womb and be born, something I have found so exceedingly painful and difficult in the past.

I remember that astrologer Liz Greene often wrote of how those of us with strong Neptune wish to find a womb we can crawl into, we want to find a place free of separation, struggle and pain, a hermetically sealed humidicrib in which the hot sharp edges of life do not impinge upon us.  Just how this dovetails or equates though with the fact that if we are highly sensitive we do feel more deeply and so seek such protective spaces, is confusing to me at this point, for hiding away sometimes may be necessary but then doesn’t there also come a time when we need to emerge and fly free from past confining womb like spaces that have become too constrictive for our emerging self?

My own cosy womb space here in the winter sun quickly disappeared when I picked up the computer to type, Jasper took himself off outside.  Maybe he felt… here she is again going into head space and I want to just ‘be’ in my body and in the sun.  Just prior to this when I made a move to the kitchen I know he was anticipating a walk which is the time we find freedom in the outside world and play time, a time of simple connection as two souls having fun.   His whole face and being lights up at this point.

My sad feelings disappeared when I began to type this as I worked through the writing to make sense of the deep grief I was feeling.   Something is shifting at the moment and going on deep inside my soul.  My only wisdom is that I need to ride the currents and tide that seems to surround me at present, getting a firmer awareness of feelings and my next step just seems impossible and maybe I am being called on some level to more deeply embrace the ‘now’, that peaceful positive place, free of past pain and suffering where I can honour and nurture life.   Sometimes due to my traumas I associated movement with endings, accident, suffering and pain.  Maybe that is why I was paralysed in PTSD freeze for so many years.  But the truth is that lately I am feeling more of a thawing and a flow that wants to carry me forward.  On any day the flow shits and changes, and just then on little feet Jasper ticker tacked his way across my laminated floor so I will choose for to put on my boots and move forward to embrace the sun, knowing that on some level the present moment is where must make a conscious choice to live, despite the powerful tidal pull of past anxiety, disappointment, failed expectations and regret.

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