I awoke struggling with a lot of guilt this morning. As much as I can write that its not okay for the critic to beat me up, its also important that as an adult I take responsibility for my own life and feelings. The complication is that so many of my current feelings date back and are connected to old feelings and hurts, emotional absences and injuries from the past. When I put the sole focus on those I can become resentful and bitter, hurt and angry which is fair enough but if those feelings are poisoning or affecting certain choices I am making today I am in trouble and not only am I in trouble but others around me are too.
The issue that I am struggling with this morning is my financial dependency on my mother. Much as I express here all my angry feelings with my Mum she has tried to compensate in many ways for what she failed to give me by providing financial support when I have needed it. As a result I have chosen not to work for the past 10 years following my accident which gave me a head injury and focus on my healing and recovery work. Although I posted a post yesterday on how that is the most important work for me, at times I don’t fully believe it. I feel that I could have been more responsible as an adult for myself financially.
Then I go through all the guilt over the chain of inner causes that contributed to the financial difficulty we had back in March when due to a real estate agents pressure I put in an offer for a townhouse that I then wished to retract but could not, he had kept us pinned at the house on the day of the auction when it was passed in and pressured for an offer that day, knowing that if we made that offer then we would have not cooling off period and no way out. Due to the fact I had not properly read the contract I was not aware. I made a mistake and I have had to own it, but my Mum has been the one who paid up.
I was willing to lose the deposit but due to my mother’s issue with money she was not prepared to let it go and so bought the place herself rather than see the deposit forgone. She has tried to rent it since then but no renters have been willing to take it on and then a few weeks ago she asked me to consider moving into it and I have once again been stuck in a back forward process of trying to take the easier way and move in which means surrendering my older cottage but also the creative beautiful aspects of it. One part of me says why not just let this place go. It was my mistake that led to the problem and really as an adult I should own it, not depend on my Mum but it was a failure too on her part on the day when I turned to her for help on that day that made me make the offer and she also left me alone while chatting to her friend at the time the auction was taking place which gave the agent space to move in and try to force my hand by putting in the high bid the owner wanted when no one else was bidding.
All of this is interesting to me as I am in the midst of reading the book Power Over Panic at the moment and in it the author Bronwyn Fox explains how it is the passive perfectionist who most often ends up with an anxiety condition. She suffered from anxiety and panic attacks herself so she knows what is involved in recovery and the point she makes is that it is our fear which drives so much of what contributes to the condition in the first place, fear of not being all things to all people, fear of being selfish if we care for ourselves and put our own needs first, fear of disappointing others and being real and then fear of the anxiety or panic itself which is what keeps the attacks going.
As I have been reading this book I have seen our own family pattern with poor boundaries and interpersonal connections of truth and emotional honesty. Our family pattern is to always ‘do the right thing’, swallow our own feelings and needs and then to over extend ourselves and not take good care of our boundaries and body. And then this can also dovetail into a very strong adult child pattern of taking on responsibility for what is not our issue due to feeling we are responsible for others, which leads to emotional caretaking and then emotional, physical and spiritual depletion. We also loose our own deeper connection to joy if the inner critic is always driving us with its perfectionistic project and not letting us rest in and find what lights up our own hearts independent of other demands or our own inner pressure to help or be the good guy.
As I look at it I see my Mum has at times helped us too much in the wrong ways. I went to another meeting yesterday of my Al Anon group and there were a couple there whose son has recently entered into recovery. They were sharing about how they needed to support him but not too much and to his own detriment, for our recovery is really a personal issue, how others treat us can trigger us ultimately as much as people would like to argue that it doesn’t, but becoming an adult also means learning about what is triggering and taking the steps for self care.
Anyway I don’t know if this blog has a theme. I just woke up and needed to write down some of the things I am struggling with in my own head. I had pretty much made the decision I am not going to move into the town house but commit to this place despite all the responsibility such a decision entails. Winter is a hard time as my house is very cold and really needs a better heating system. But winter will not last forever and is a time when its good for the emotional psyche to get in tune with the swing of nature and look inwards. Even as I type this I know I could make another decision and make the best of it and I realise how lucky I really am to have so much choice and the support that I do.
I never fully got the emotional support I needed in the past. I came from a family where we were taught to serve others more than understand and respect our own inner boundaries, feelings and needs. I see how the pattern has replayed and how so much of it was deeply unconscious. In a post yesterday I was sharing how we can only say we are free to choose when we are fully conscious of all of these unconscious patterns and factors which makes me question a point that Bronwyn makes in her book on anxiety and panic attacks. We develop these conditions not because we are bad or weak but due to the fact that we have lot to learn and become conscious of. Being diagnosed with such an illness or condition is actually a wake up call to our inner self to begin to become more conscious and aware and to take care of what most needs support, comfort and nurturing in our own lives. If we beat ourselves up for suffering with them we cant really go forward on our recovery and being kind and compassionate and loving to ourselves is an enormous part of overcoming such conditions. If you suffer from anxiety or panic attacks I really highly recommend the book. I am learning a lot from it.