I would never have imagined in my wildest dreams I would title a post keep on fighting but I am aware more and more lately how strong positive powerful (true power grounded in wisdom and authenticity) is and how much we suffer without it.
My infected tooth is causing me all kinds of physical problems and my prosthodontist who has made my new denture cannot take it out for 3 months. I am not prepared to go through this much pain and discomfort for 3 months so today I made the decision I will find someone else to take the tooth out and even if I have to go through life for the next few months without 3 front teeth once they cut the temporary bridge away I will have to do it. I am sick of having to swallow shit when something I need needs to be done cant be done and is adversely affecting my health, not to take action is not self care in this situation.
When I get a powerful assertive impulse like this something in my AA training arks up and tells me I am not ‘letting go and letting God’ not accepting the situation. How am I supposed to accept a situation that is leading me to bad health, when there may be an option to go another way and get the thing sorted. There simply is a time to fight.
In my life I think one of my major problems has been that I can be too passive. When I need to assert myself or stick up for something I don’t do it. I have got better at this lately but there are still areas where I just suck up things that are hurtful and put up with difficult things. I may not be able to change certain things but there at times when action is called for. Over the past week ever since I got that news from the prosthodontist I have been in a very dark and negative place with so much anger and fury, frustration, resentment and rage. I passed through me yesterday and I have felt clearer and cleaner ever since about essential truths. I had several dreams where fires were raging on household items over the past two nights. I managed to put them out. In another dream I was stuck up high on a wall and it was dangerous to come down to the ground but finally I made it.
I am conscious I need to earth myself in reality. There are some harsh truths I am having to accept and I am also having to see the part I played in certain events where others acted hurtfully towards me. I am also seeing where childhood pain and hurt kept me paralysed in a space for years where it was impossible to move forward. I was with a very strong partner for 4 years who could be a bit emotionally abusive but what I am seeing more and more lately is that he carried for me a strong aspect of my own shadow. He was able to be very self assertive, know what his needs were and go for them regardless of how that affected anyone else and lately I am seeing that is not what I have done. I have been the ‘nice’ girl and possibly an inverted narcissist myself in that I have been trying to get my own needs met by meeting the needs of others, not on any conscious level, but on a deeply subconscious one, thinking that if I am only ‘nice’ such niceness will be returned which is rarely the case.
I was googling some anger quotes for a blog I wrote the other day and I came across one that said how anger is due to frustrated expectations. It seems that if I want to work with my anger issues I have to become more aware of what I am expecting consciously or unconsciously and see how realistic that expectation is. In short order its about emotional and spiritual maturity. And if needs and expectations are being frustrated consistently I may need to change my approach or look for another way to get them met, recognising at the same time just what I am powerless over.
And I need to take positive action towards things that are good for me, rather than sitting around ruminating on what hurts me over and over again. I do believe a certain amount of rumination is helpful, we need to get to the bottom of things and that can require a load of introspection. When I posted a post the other day with a video on overthinking part of me baulked afterwards because at times we do need to use our minds, but there is also a time when over thinking can become counterproductive if difficult, negative or anxiety producing thoughts are being run over and over and over again. And I am sure there is a link between this and anxiety attacks, with all the over thinking we may also not be truly feeling the reality that we need to feel in order to burst free.
It seems to me that in this complex and at times deeply confusing, heart breaking and disturbing modern world we need a strong inner fire or flame to sustain us inwardly. When our fire is put out or stolen from us in childhood through some kind of trauma or abuse we can spend years in an icy wilderness trying to draw close to the fire of others, most especially abusive people who burn and dissolve us to a pile of ashes or a puddle of water. Yet even these are elements we can work with to regain our fire and flow. We just need the right help and the ability to turn around and light our own fire and champion our own vital inner child or inner flame. We need to find the ability to fight when we need to and the wisdom to surrender or let go, too when that is what is called for. But often the later comes after a time in which we have struggled to a point where at times we have felt almost defeated by life and yet somehow in some way that defeat ends up becoming just a huge step on the way to finding and building our inner strength.
So today, even though it is freezing and foggy, and my frozen fingers are like ice as I type and so often missing the keys, I will go forward in my day finding the light, seeking the warmth, taking the actions steps that I need to take to take care of me.