For so long you told me
I should have done better
That the pain was something everyone goes through
And so why can’t I just forget?
Did you live it?
Did you forget what you passed on?
Was there ever a genuine sorry
Or consistent loving presence?
Or just justifications
And other ways you tried to dimiss my pain
Or pull the rug out from under me?
The last time I just prayed to God
I realised you could never own it
And if I wanted a relationship with you
There was a price
But my body hated what my mind
Tried to convince it of
Would not be dismissed or lied to
For so long
I just swallowed it down
Useless to argue
And I put my life on hold to be there for you
When I had precious little for myself
I cannot do it any more
I cannot deny the pain
I cannot just forget
When the reality of it lives with me every day
All I can do is ask my higher power
For the courage to embrace it and be true
And the strength to face up to another day
When inner pain can make me feel like ending everything
I hope for a brighter day
I hope one day to be free of this darkness
Perhaps only if I honour what is true
What my heart and gut knows
And don’t allow you to strangle my truth