For so long

For so long you told me

I should have done better

That the pain was something everyone goes through

And so why can’t I just forget?

Did you live it?

Did you forget what you passed on?

Was there ever a genuine sorry

Or consistent loving presence?

Or just justifications

And other ways you tried to dimiss my pain

Or pull the rug out from under me?

The last time I just prayed to God

I realised you could never own it

And if I wanted a relationship with you

There was a price

But my body hated what my mind

Tried to convince it of

Would not be dismissed or lied to

For so long

I just swallowed it down

Useless to argue

And I put my life on hold to be there for you

When I had precious little for myself

I cannot do it any more

I cannot deny the pain

I cannot just forget

When the reality of it lives with me every day

All I can do is ask my higher power

For the courage to embrace it and be true

And the strength to face up to another day

When inner pain can make me feel like ending everything

I hope for a brighter day

I hope one day to be free of this darkness

Perhaps only if I honour what is true

What my heart and gut knows

And don’t allow you to strangle my truth

Anymore