I am getting much more aware of my inner critic’s tendency to put the focus on the negative. The little negative thing can easily become a huge negative thing if I allow the inner critic to have his way, today it was moth holes in my jumper. I live in an older property and ever since I moved in I have a moth problem. Moths tend to like to take a chunk out of my favourite sweaters and they never munch on the back but on the front most obvious piece of my jumper. Today I despaired when I found a jumper I washed last week and believed was all in one piece with four holes in it. Following this discovery the litany of the inner critic became remorseless. “Isn’t that just like you, everything you touch decays, you knew there was a moth problem a while back, why haven’t you been more proactive, everything around you usually falls to pieces.”
Today I let the critic yammer on and just took a needle and thread to my jumper and fixed it, Jasper and I had to delay our visit to the park by 20 minutes and then at the park I just thought of the Leonard Cohen lyric “there is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in!” I thought, your jumper is just letting in the light and no moths died. The thought kind of comforted me for a short while and I had a little smile to myself. Jasper and I went about our day, we walked by the lake, threw the Frisbee and went to the park, I then dropped him home, had a sandwich at the bakery went to the market did my food shopping and came home to make chicken soup. Was the day a disaster due to a few holes in my sweater, I think not? But the negative talk didn’t stop there.
While having my toasted sandwich I read a very good reblog of a post on blog of Twinkle Toes : Therapy Diaries and here is the link : https://unpackingthesuitcaseblog.wordpress.com/2017/06/02/the-curse-of-the-invisible-wound-narc-abuse/
Reading the following paragraphs
Like I’ve often joked, my wounds were so invisible, I couldn’t even see them. Many of our narcissistic wounds were not cleaned out at seven, twelve, sixteen, or even twenty-three due to the fact that they were invisible. That’s a long time to leave a wound festering, but it’s pretty darn hard to clean out a wound you can’t even see. This is why so many people need support–both to find their wounds and to clean them. There is no instant cure and no one-size- vaccination for all.
Personality also has a part to play in whether we brush these wounds off or tenderly care for them. As a seven on the Enneagram, for decades I did my best to remain fun loving and optimistic and push all that yucky stuff out of my mind—except it doesn’t actually work that way. Narcissistic Abuse is like lead poisoning, once it’s in your body, you’ve been contaminated for life. You can try to push it out of your mind, but the body will still remembers what the mind forgets.
made me think of the post I wrote the other day on Chiron and wounding and the poison that goes into our system from these narcissistic wounds. I made the connection but then the critic had a field day. “How can you be sure you aren’t a narcissist, you are always going on and on about all the ways you were wounded, how can you be sure you aren’t just stuck in festering wound replaying it over and over and over and over again, alternately boring and alienating followers in the process?” I started to get a bit of heart pain after this and my mood went down hill for a while before I got myself in gear to go to the markets and put some positive action into my day.
I am sharing about this internal process this evening to externalise some of it and get it out there in black and white. I know that a lot of what the critic says is based on inhuman perfectionistic standards he imposes on me. That is not to say that sometimes the things I do could be improved or I could take more care of things, but at the same time I need to remember that I struggle with a PTSD condition and do so much work to keep my life healthy. I just don’t think I really deserve all this ongoing criticism.
Last weekend I was deep in my wound, really feeling the poison and pain burning me up, I could only post some of what I wrote last weekend today and I chose to do it in order to externalise and put the finger up to the critic. This week I shared with my therapist Katina that I told the critic to fuck off for the very first time. But I am also aware that the fact that the critic can trigger me shows that deep down inside somewhere I don’t feel good enough, otherwise criticism would just fall off my back. I am not sure what the solution is beyond sharing about it here. I wish I could find the loving soothing voice today but its been a bit buried and who know I may need to make some changes for I have noticed that often I am feeling overextended lately. I am doing too much and taking on board a lot when I really need to pare things down, but at the same time I am aware of the saboteur within me that wants to pounce on me when I am doing well and lay it all to waste. I don’t know where this energy comes from. I only know a lot of recovering alcoholics and addicts suffer from it. Today I have been praying for help from my higher power as I deserve to feel happy, good enough and at peace after so long and so much work in recovery. I really, really do. I wish the ‘f’ing critic would take a hike!