I did not realise I was so sad and in emotional pain this morning. Instead for two hours I was tussling with my body. I got to bed far after the usual time and my eating schedule was thrown out by going to friends for dinner and eating too much too late for my body to fully digest it but really it was only when I broke down in tears this morning that i realised that what has happened was that old pain of my past was retriggered of those painful black years that were filled with so much emptiness and sadness, wandering and trauma that I did not know or could not fully feel at the time. Last night the evening got later and later and the conversation going on about politics wasn’t really that interesting but moreso I think what I really struggled with was what came up was about all that had gone on for me before those friends got to know me overseas in the 1980s. Once they found out last night all I had been through in the four years previous they understood why my behaviour was the way it was.
When I finally got home at quarter to midnight I just sat and cuddled Jasper and cried. Then I had a very disrupted sleep while so much arose in my mind and the darkness fell around me in slumber after I got into my cosy warm bed. What occurred to me is that in these past years I have been trying hard to process and digest a past full of trauma that often sticks in my gut or my throat. There were no tears last night as my friends still drink a fair bit and there were questions being fired at me such as “what do you do with yourself all day” and when I told them “and is that working for you?” Its a fair enough question but what can I say I am where I am at and sometimes I wish it was different and my life had been different but I cannot ever have that and so now I must sit with the reality and the pain of what young me went through over those very dark dark years.
The gift today in just being able to be with myself and allow the tears was that there was no punishing inner voice telling me I should be feeling differently. Instead I felt that wises inner loving mother comforting me and telling me I needed to stay with it, allow the grief and let it move through me. The inner voice told me how much I suffered and how lonely my childhood was as when I told my friends last night that each day after school I came home to an empty house they could not believe it. One friend told me how her mother made her snacks and always asked about her day and encouraged her to do her homework, the other had four siblings and wished she could have more space! It felt so sad to know how I didn’t have that and it did have a profound affect. I think sometimes my attacks at that time of day are about body memory of being so alone in childhood and as a teenager and then the bike accident happened at that time of day when I took myself so far way overseas repeating the old pattern.
I have known profound loneliness. There are times when my inner loneliness has been so painful I have contemplated taking my life. These are the facts of my life. I cannot pretty them up or deny them, I cannot put a ‘positive’ slant on them, they were part of my painful reality. And I repeated that lonely pattern as it was all I really knew and I formed complex defences to tell me I needed to stay alone so as never to be hurt or misunderstood again.
At least last night I could speak about the reality. At least last night I could be heard. It was hard to be asked what I did all day as I felt in a way I may have been being judged. But maybe I wasn’t, who knows. And at times its better to be alone and feel free to feel your real feelings than have to be with those who wouldn’t let you be yourself.
The greater realisation for me today is that all of this suffering and aloneness somehow got buried in me at a bodily level. At times my body pain is about my body and soul and inner child saying to me she needs not to be left as alone as she was in the past. I no longer need to stay alone, but I can also accept and nurture my solitude when it is necessary, And I am realising too that as a highly sensitive person alone time feeds my soul. loving boundaries and self care support me and go alone with the recognition towards my self and consciousness of the true nature of my deeper self as well as wounds of the past that I have carried which have scarred me into the present. But that I also need connection with loving others at times, never to fill the hole within that must be met with my own loving presence as well as my spiritual connection, but as a way of remembering that as a humans being I do need connection for loving connection with others from a real place of truth is what most binds souls of humans and makes moments precious.
My past is my past. It cannot be changed. It will always be with me. I am still exploring its affect and that is a lot of work. I may move on from the past one day to a new life and new expression, I just don’t know, but before I can what has been needs to be fully honoured and recognised, the losses have to be grieved. And this is an act of self love, allowing myself to be with it is showing the love for the deeper part of me that was so often shamed and dismissed, first by others but later and more sadly and destructively by my self. For I am now seeing more and more true healing and self acceptance must most surely come from within.