When I have these dark feelings coming up with images of the past, I lose my foothold of reality in this day and lose access to the love in the moment. I don’t want to be possessed forever by the darkness or blackness for the sun is shining outside. I can only share from where I am in the present moment and from that perspective of the day that I am in and today was so black and full of old grief. But then within a silent part of me my deeper lively soul rebels, asking me to reach for good things, for sunshine and life outside of darkness and death. I see that there could be a path forward but it needs to be in a way forward into a new day with new life and new people that don’t hold for me all the painful associations from my past. I am wanting something else.
I don’t want to be around people numbing themselves with booze. I need to be where there is life, joy, vibrancy and I need to be connected not disconnected in the deep dark place inside me. But maybe that place is left behind when after I let it possess me for a time the the uprising of another part of me calls out to me, a part that dares to hope that today can be better and far different from yesterday and can be a day in which I live in sunshine, fully awake and alive, free of ghosts of the past I now wish to be gone.