Today my throat is desperately sore and raw, not from cold, not from flu, but from the pain buried deep, deep down inside that’s coming to the surface with having to have my tooth out but that is just the iceberg, the cold hard thing that has buried underneath it countless blackness and desperately sad memories of painful times and it doesn’t help to wake to a freezing house which is impossible to really warm on the minus 3 mornings. I am reminded I had an option to move somewhere warm but that would have involved losses of things I loved here, so I’m not going to beat myself up and say I made the wrong decision.
This morning instead I have been working to honour the deep sadness and pain I have deep inside and really listen to my true self when she tells me how hard it was, because as I write this and before while I stayed in bed late keep warm I was aware of how often I have been dismissed and my pain minimised. How often I may have been told it is not real. Realising this I can decide to treat myself differently today, in gentle loving soothing way. There is always something loving and positive I can do for myself. I don’t have to follow on with words of inner condemnation and shame.
Today my therapist is away too and that is hard as I finally need to see the dentist who will take my tooth out, possibly next week. A part of me is struggling and doesn’t want it out, its another bloody procedure but I have to face up and get through it. It isn’t the end of the world but its also another loss so I have to walk a fine line between self compassion and self care which means doing what I have to do to take care of my health.
An empty house full of stuff in the mornings triggers negative thoughts for me right away however I got a little book out of the library on panic attacks yesterday written by a psychologist who recovered from her own panic attacks. It is written in cartoon form and gives some really positive suggestions about how not to let critical inner voices win. In the mornings alone on the dark grey days I am more susceptible to being captured by the negative voices. As the writer Bev Aisbett describes this inner force it really is a downer that wants to paint everything black and heavy and I need to keep being conscious of what it is up to, so as not to be captured!
I also realised there is an other trigger for tomorrow as friends have asked me over for dinner but I have painful memories associated with the times we had most to do with each other in the years after my father died when I was in a bad way inwardly and drinking too much. Tomorrow night I need to come clean and talk some things through with them, as I know they have changed and matured more now and they are aware I really struggled at that time, everyone in that immediate circle was abusing alcohol or drugs at the time and they don’t do that now.
Despite the fact I know I feel a lot better when I get up and get myself moving about, today I stayed in bed until just before 10 am. I am aware its okay not to have rules and regulations my inner critic uses to keep me stuck or locked up inside, at times I need more rest and this week has been busier with getting my car fixed, but I also know the happiness that comes for me when I can embrace a day when I connect with someone or something outside of myself.
I don’t have a lot that is really positive at the moment to offer in my blog. I am finding that my poetry has dried up somewhat. I look on others blogs and see that mine has just puttered along, followers come and go and the precious few who stay over time mean so much to me, but I will probably never achieve the kind of popularity I see on other blogs and that is okay. Do I really have to be popular? In I just need to be myself and express as honestly as I can. I don’t have a lot of great life achievements to share in my blog, I just live a quiet life with my dog and try to look for the positive but can at times get very consumed with the negative and with the old ghosts that try to haunt me.
When winter comes and I see how over the years instead of reaching outwards I have so often isolated myself it gets painful on some days. And then I feel that on the contrary side the inner life is really what is most important and cannot always be shared with others. We never really know who others truly are and how they suffer inside. One of the good things about blogging is that fellow writers share from that place which makes real honest connection all the more possible.
Writing takes me out of myself and it has worked this morning. I will do what I can to bring some love into my day. I need to keep reaching to build a better life while keeping the connection of self compassion strong to myself deep inside so that I can comfort myself on the tough days and build myself up rather than let my inner critic tear me down. When I show myself that softness and love the harshness melts within me as I realise how hard on myself I have been in the past and realise I can work to change that if I stay awake and aware.