I have a great desire to unify what has been separated. I am beginning to see it comes out of deep experiences of loss and disconnection I went through, losses that happened to me, things that didn’t work out as I hoped or were stolen or taken (my first boyfriend for example in my young adolescence by my ‘best friend’). I know so well what is it to lose, what it is to not have things work out, not come together to the degree that at times I feel when things have been coming together for me a deeply unconscious force tore them apart. On an astrological/archetypal theme this relates to my ruling planet Uranus which governs all my personal planets Sun and Moon to Saturn and Jupiter and Uranus is in Leo in the first house the sign of individualism and creative self expression as well as positive self esteem.
Uranus first house people know what it is to be set apart. We are not joiners, we are the iconoclasts, eccentric loners and rebels, bringers of insight. However on some level I long to be joined with all my seventh house relationship planets and sometimes I try to join too much because being set apart and alone is such a deeply painful reminder of deep alone times from childhood and those most painful years from age 17 t0 29 when I lost so much, so much was broken apart and I want far away over the other side of the world after my father’s death alone, carrying all the deep trauma of 17 to 23 and drinking it down.
Last night this was reflected in a dream. I was on a bus with a group of adolescents. The bus stopped in a strange new location, a sweet town that I explored and come to love but I just didn’t know the name of it. Some how I managed to call someone who told me it was called Eden. Which is very interesting because Eden is actually a remote town on the far south coast of New South Wales in Australia. The place became less lovely when I knew how isolated it was upon awakening and the town of Eden is really nothing like the cosy inner country location of my dream, but there a deep things to adjust my attitude towards in this matter.
This morning when I awoke I remembered the urge I had to unify as the fourth child which in family system carries the neglected unifying needs of the dismembered emotionally bereft family. I wanted to ring my sister as last week there was a death in her older son’s family and I thought she and my mother and I could get together for lunch after we go to pick up my car from the repairer. My sister could not come as she does dragon boating following her breast cancer. When we were chatting she said to me “Did Mum tell you that Martin died?”. “Yes”, I said. My sister did not make it to the funeral as they live in a remote location on the South Coast (? woah just realised that when I typed those words) and it would have taken two days to get there. So once again my sister could not be unified with her family at an event which was a trigger for an earlier loss and maybe it was for the best or maybe not. The old quandary to unify (be present and connected) or to divide (to be left alone as sad things go down to have your own space but not connection much). And part of me felt sad I didn’t call my sister again to find out the progress last week (I had hoped she may let me know) but it is okay that I did not call either what was going down concerns them, but it connects too to my old loss.
My sister was sad not to make the lunch. My attempt to unify us for a few hours didn’t work out, but I know on some level we are unified by the things we went through all those years ago but never speak of, yet each carry the silent pain of in our hearts. My sister’s daughter in law is about the age my sister was when my father died in 1985.
After I got off the phone I thought of this deep desire I have had to unify us all, the childlike illusion that one day we will all come together and grieve but adult life is not really like that. I went far away after Dad died and drank down the grief for over 14 years until sobriety began to unearth it for me in 1999. My grieving for my father was thwarted earlier and my return to Australia in 2001 with my ex husband was in the hope I could feel and resolve it here but there were so many hurdles to jump over and barriers along the way. When my godfather (who was a better emotionally present father to me than my own father ever was) died in 2003 I got to open that Pandora’s box of grief and complex feelings I hold deep inside about my father that was closed. At other funerals of fathers of friends I have managed to unpack more of the grief and now it doesn’t overwhelm me in the form of depression as much. It is just there deep inside my heart below the level of consciousness until triggers bring it up.
Which is why it meant so much to me to be contacted by my second cousin yesterday. He is the grandson of my father’s lovely sister Aunty Leis. Dad left his young sister behind when he left Holland in 1938. I finally got to meet her in 2001 when all the grief for Dad was bursting open. I cried all day after the visit as she sat there with her Dutch rice tart and showed me all the family photos she had of our family. I realised she longed for us in the same way I long for a connection with my sister’s children and grandchildren but we were divided off both by the distance and by my Dads’ deep aversion to returning to what he saw as a limited confined country. We kids never got to have that connection with our Aunties. I did form that connection with Lies following 2001. When my marriage ended she was the one person who showed empathy and wanted me to come to live with her after the accident that broke my head open. I could not do it. I stayed in the UK.
I will always be so grateful for that all too brief visit to Aunty Lies which come to think of it occurred on the 20th of May WOW!!! so close in time to this, ancestral psyche is powerful!!! It opened my heart to so much and I remember her with such fondness and affection. I lost my Dad in 1985 but part of him was always lost to me and maybe even to himself. I had the father fate chose for me and things he did to me hurt me a lot a times, while I know he loved me. I am not sure where this post goes from here. I remember it started with my thoughts on my deep desire to unify what has been torn apart. Maybe that is what deep inner work is though a re-membering the scattered fragments of Osirus as in the myth, the torn apart ancestral fragments of connection that dog us into the present, ghosts of feelings and tendrils dying to be known and woven forward into a new pattern.
Today Mum and I will go to lunch alone, we are the survivors of one section of a far larger story playing out over time, I carry more of my father’s ancestral issues though. We each have our memories, we have our times of connection, both fraught and gentle and our times of painful and pleasant separation too. And it is surely true that the task of becoming a true adult means finding all the ways we can to survive and thrive, even amidst great heartache and loss. It is to be able to bear the pain and joy, the agony and ecstasy of each, not wishing for fate to be different but honouring it and bringing as much consciousness as we can to bear upon it with as much good grace as we can muster after all the losses, tearing aparts, disappointments, storms, rages and tears have passed.