400 followers : some reflections on darkness, light, anger, love and pain

Fear of the Dark

I cannot believe that today I had a 400th follow…. At times I question what I write.  I know how I have struggled with the darkness, sadness and fear inside of me and often the inner critic who I named ‘Mr A’ in previous post is on my back or whispering in my ear that its not okay, that I should be stronger or more sorted or brighter or more positive than I can feel on some days.  Often it’s only when I get to therapy which is a space where I feel fully seen and accepted and held do I get to see if I have gone off base or have been missing the mark with some of the things I have been writing.

Today I am really seeing and feeling how my past has limited me and kept a brace around my heart of old hurts that could not really burst the confines of things.  I am sure over the years many of those 400 followers have fallen away and I know at times I have gone over and over and over and over old ground but that as we were discussing in therapy today is purpose of becoming conscious, seeing the way in which old patters driven by deep wounds in the dark of the unconscious may be fuelling the compulsion to repeat or feelings of not being ‘good enough’ or deserving enough.

And what past trauma that hasn’t been unpacked or depotentised does to us is that it keeps us pinned to a dark sticking place that attaches our consciousness most often to negative world views and can shatter any sense of hope we have for something better…. colouring everything dark.  We do need to go over and over and over our trauma story until things become clearer and the need to feel the impact not just intellectualise it is imperative.  With each revolution or working through more is revealed and we understand more deeply than we could before when the truth was hidden and we were closer or too immersed in forces that shaped us unconsciously.  New triggers are necessary for us to understand earlier pains, reactions or losses.

Katina and I were discussing shame and guilt in therapy today.  I have a lot of shame and feelings of fear of being found lacking or good enough which I carried from a young age.  My drinking was an attempt to shut the negative feelings and fears and voices down.  It only worked for a time but then they would come back with a vengeance.  Also critical times of others failing to show empathy did not help me to throw off these ‘not good enough’ shackles.  All I can say is thank God for therapy, there are least for a time I get a reprieve and a reality check.  Today what came out of our discussion was how much I really have worked and how much I have to give others in terms of being present and able to hold them when they are going through dark times.  Lately my Mum has been opening up to me because she knows all the work I do in therapy and deep down inside she longs to be able to talk to someone and break the family pattern of locking it all up inside.  This talking about things and being present is a positive gift that I have to give others and it does me and others no service if I don’t honour it.  I didn’t get 400 follows because I write ‘shit’, Mr A!!

Today I had a lovely surprise, a message from my second cousin in Holland who visited briefly in January.   I actually met him on the day I got Michael Brown’s book the Presence Process and it seems he is involved in emotional release work of his own at present and was reaching out to offer me help with trapped emotions.  I told him of the work I have been doing in recovery and therapy with my emotions.   Maybe he reached out to me because when he was here I shared with him how I gave up opportunities to live far from home due to my dead sister’s disability and as usual I may have been strong in showing my vulnerable self but also not really honouring how much I have learned and grown as a result.

And it seems to me that lately I need to be acknowledging my power as much as my past powerlessness, for when we choose to face things instead of covering them up and admit our vulnerability there is power we find in and through that.  The prospect of going to visit Europe next year is a hopeful one, for I will feel even stronger after I face the current dental challenges which will take about 3 or more months.

Today I also logged on to Facebook to see photos of two sets of grand niece and nephews birthday images.  These are the grandchildren of my beautiful passionate sister Judith who died 3 years ago and the twins who are 3 today were born just a month after Jude died in 2014.  I cried silently to see how much of her beautiful lively energy they carry and to recognise how the essence of a spirit no matter how damaged or wounded lives on in their children and grandchildren.  I then felt a bit sad for me that I was never able to fully heal in time to be able to bring any of my six children to birth, yet at the same time I realised that in the sadness was also a deeper acceptance as really my work over the past 22 years of recovery has involved bringing my own inner spirit to birth, life and full expression at least partially free of past crippling repressions and feelings of impotence and powerlessness  Getting that inner child of hiding free from shame and shadows that possessed or almost smothered her for years is essential work and I am well underway.

I felt the strong uprising of Leo energy today and have lost track to a degree of where the planets are at present, only know the North Node is now beginning to transit Leo and that is the point of spiritual increase.  Leos energy rules the vital part of myself that is full of joy and creative potential that I never fully got to manifest.  I see that firey, creative spirit most especially in my grand niece,  I think of all the limits and blocks on her energy my now dead older sister encountered, due in many ways to the time she was born in and what my parents endured.  Her spirit never went free until she died but her descendants carry part of it forward.   And despite all the struggles that young ones can go through these kids have loving protective parents who care enough to be emotionally available and have been fortunate enough to find loving partners who support them through emotional and mental health struggles.

It is cause for happiness to know that love can come out of pain and that the next generation does not need to pass down wounds from the former if we can just bring enough consciousness and awareness to bear.  I am so looking forward to visiting when my dental work is all done and I am feeling well enough.

Just moments before writing this post I had heard about the terrorist attack in Manchester and I thought of how separatist the wounded ego is. It wants to kill, it wants to hurt, it wants to attack, it wants to defend, it wants to maim, and when we bow down to or allow that separatist force to dominate our vital moving spirit of love, peace, joy and freedom is imprisoned. And sadly in this attack that pain has all been dumped on children who were freely trying to enjoy a happy time.

Fear blocks the love that wants to move forward to embrace, express and live, anger that has not yet learned the part wounded love or absence of love played in driving or shaping or fuelling it becomes a destructive force, sadly, a force we so badly need to harness and channel towards the positive.

We do live in complex and painful times where hatred and anger and pain have the ability to divide us and separate us off from love and in these times we have to do such work to keep reaching for hope, for love, for joy, for connectivity and for positivity.

For the light entered the darkness and the darkness knew it not.  Or the light penetrated the darkness and in revealing all the dark places made us more aware and more conscious so that we did not have to fear the dark as much.  Perhaps it is only the darkness that isn’t brought to light that causes problems.   Demons and ghosts can live in those dark places and attach to thing we cannot see there growing and growing more painful and destructive in the dark shadows, but also longing for the light.  Pain and suffering makes us aware of what has been buried, hidden or lost so that we can grieve and open our hearts wider to what is hidden it the dark and liberate what lives there from the shadows and count our blessings for what is left, and in the end it is the attitude that we take towards the dark which determines in the end if light and wisdom will prevail or the dark forces will try to eat us alive.

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