Today earlier after dropping my car off to be repaired and getting the bus to my Mum’s so I could borrow hers for a few days I started to feel this tight band around my heart. We spoke of things others in the family share with her, they don’t share with me these kind of being cared for experiences by their siblings but when all this was being shared I was conscious of this tightness and then tears. No words, no stories, just deep disappointment, sadness and a pain in my heart.
I never hear much from my sister who is living about what is really going on either and most especially after I tried to connect with her late last week. It turns out my nephew’s wife’s father died sometime over the weekend. I had spoken to my sister expressing my care and concern. Mum only mentioned it remotely in passing. I come from a FUCKING WIERD FAMILY!!! Or MAYBE I DONT. MAYBE THIS IS HOW FAMILIES ARE : Great emotional distances, little connection especially over the most important things. Or I could be being very self centred and selfish because they are probably just caught up in so much grief, grief which mirrors older grief and is triggering such deep, deep grief for me around persistent disconnection which ends up making me feel lonelier than when I am really alone with either my dog or my higher power or others who are actually open hearted rather than shut down and stitched up.
Add to this I am still struggling to accept I have to have my tooth out. I am struggling with resentment toward my Mum, even though now she has offered to give me all the support in the world to help as I go through the procedure (when, I don’t know as I have to get a referral tomorrow!).
Perhaps I need to speak to Mum about what is going on in my heart. On Saturday when all my abandonment and trauma pain was going on I wanted to leave a message on her phone giving her a serve. I thought better of it. And I recall a quote that says I spoke my anger to a friend and my anger had an end. In the past anger has just erupted out of me. I haven’t spoken it cleanly and clearly. And it occurs to me that I can express anger with love and that my words would have more power and strength if that power of anger was harnessed in a more productive way that just scatter gun rage blowing at a target!
Truth is as a child and young teenager things my Mum and Dad and family did REALLY, REALLY HURT ME, deeply. I didn’t feel seen and I didn’t feel held in mind. I feel the same things would not have happened in this day and age. My opinion as a child may have been consulted. It is very important to me now that I have a voice, that I am not ridden rough shod over by others, that others don’t force their will and agenda on to me. However sometimes in my quest for power, protection and control I just go off and become silent and try to cope alone instead of unburdening what is in my heart because its too much to take risk. It is then I feel the tight band around my heart, squashing all the pain down deep inside, not allowing me to cough it up and spit it out.
The best process for me currently though is for my inner child to speak to my adult self about the pain I went through all of those years ago, about how it was for her and how, when my adult self isn’t aware or present that old pattern can replay. The adult me needs to hear it so we can look for a way to take care of the child in the midst of what is painful, so that she feels safe, held and cared for. Others will not always give this to me. They may have had to block their own pain, or they may have been feeling guilt or shame and so get defensive if I bring up mine.
One thing is for sure though. The tight band reminds me all the time of the cost of not nurturing my heart or paying kind attention to what triggers. I may need to feel and free the tears that need to fall but may not if my mind or stories are blocking those deeper feelings from being expressed. Fact is that I had so many experiences of being overpowered on a bodily experience level when young that I felt I had lost all power. This issue was highlighted last week when I chose a novel from the library about a teenage girl who was raped and had another’s will forced upon her. She had to feel the painful consequences of that, of knowing that at times the world and others can disempower or overwhelm us. How to take control in this situation, when all control has been stolen? How to deal with the rage and anger that is left in a way that doesn’t destroy what precious connections remain? This is just such a huge issue for those of us who suffer Post Traumatic Stress distress, it what I have been grappling with for years and now wish I could let go in some way, but it still hurts, the reality hurt a lot!