I have not really been able to blog over the past few days. I wrote a post on Friday that didn’t make it out of drafts. I have been trying just to be with myself and the anger and powerlessness and pain that has been coming up since I found out I need to have my front tooth out on Tuesday, or at least faced the fact I need to act instead of staving off the inevitable that may lead to worse health for my teeth down the road. But yesterday I was just over come with old rage towards my mother for the way she was always needing to improve me, which is what I touched on in the blog I wrote on Friday and didn’t post but will post today. So sorry if I repeat myself here. Today I have just been being in the moment and being with what arises but at the same time there is a sense that I have needed to keep moving to externalise what seems to lock down and paralyse my body into bad PTSD symptoms. It seems to be working and I have been spending time just with me and Jasper (my dog).
I have also been listening to music and songs that resonate. I have been crying a lot and realising things at a body level about how I felt never a part of my family and like the silent watcher on the circumference who could not be seen and when she was seen was projected upon or into by others. Or I was picked up for a time like a play doll then left alone with no one to talk to about how it felt. But today I have ME… at least that is what I am realising lately. I have a loving adult inside me now that can sit with myself while I really feel from my heart and my being and when I have this the need for others to be there to help me I am realising I can actually turn within to myself.
I also connected with my nephew and was so pleased to hear he has gone off all of his meds and is feeling so much better. We had a long talk about how feeling our selves as we really are inside is just so essential and fundamental to recovery. I was so sad to hear last year how the meds were changing him and others in the family were concerned but we all had to sit on the sidelines and let my nephew struggle and come to his own conclusions re his self care.
I cried a lot though after the conversation ended as he was going off with his family for the day. I felt myself once again to be alone and on the outside and missing something with never having brought a pregnancy to term but later in the day after I just took care of myself I realised that I am who I am and have followed the path I am on for a reason. I need to be loving to myself and not beat myself up.
Anyway its getting towards dusk here and I am a bit too tired to write on the computer for much longer. I feel a little disconnected when I spend too long online sometimes when my body is calling out for rest or food or just to sit quietly with Jasper which I did earlier, feeling the warmth of his lovely doggy body and soft fur against my hip keeping me warm. I need these quiet times of silence and connection more than air at times. So after a tough day yesterday I am happy to say that I am ending the weekend at least feeling at home this afternoon inside my skin.