This is a post I wrote a few weeks back but never posted :
If you think about a little baby just being born, all crumbled up after its time in the womb and perhaps in shock after the ordeal of birth it is such a massively humbling thing. Here on earth has arrived a special unique being that is a pulsing nerve of sensations born into a sea of energy that surrounds his or her soul. So much will happen to this baby in the course of those first few months that affect the way that little soul will process experience, but I am sure also that each unique soul also brings its own special way of experiencing and being receptive to the world too. Just how precious is this gift of life, that can so easily be damaged?
The earliest bonding experiences of how the baby body is held, the comfort it receives, whether the mother can soothe it and respond to its signals is so important in shaping consciousness, if we cannot find this sense of connection with others, if we cannot be gazed upon with love, if we feel unseen or even unfelt, how hard is it?
I remember in the first few years of addiction recovery reading John Bradshaw’s book Homecoming in that book John gives some beautiful loving greetings that we can say to the little one inside of us that we may not have heard in our early years….”welcome to the world, you are so wanted, you are so loved”, “I am so glad you are a little boy or girl”, “you are very precious to me”, “I am here for you”, “I am here to listen to what you need, what hurts, what heals you”, “It’s okay to have needs, its okay to express your needs.”
Lately when I have been in deep distress this is the way I have been learning to speak to my inner child. I became aware over the past 12 months of therapy how often I gave my inner self negative messages, how many times in a day I beat myself up, how often I was critical, instead of affirmative or supportive, is it any wonder that on some days I felt so distressed and suicidal due to what the unloving voices in my head were telling me. I wasn’t connecting with myself in a loving way. I wasn’t hearing that at times my inner child was lonely and needed connection.
In the past three or so months I have watched my connections to supportive others in the outside world grow. On Friday I had a scary experience where I lost my keys at the dog park. Luckily I had struck up a conversation with a lovely lady who had opened my heart to me about challenges she had faced with unloving family after they talked her into moving half way around the world to Australia. When she found out I had lost my keys she kindly gave me a lift home to find the spare key and then took me back again. Then today we met up for a coffee. It was so nice to have someone reach out to me and want to meet for a cup of coffee, it happens to me so rarely in my home town which can be quiet closed. There was a beautiful friendliness in this lovely woman that I really connected with.
On returning home this afternoon after meeting I had such a warm feeling in my heart. I was aware how precious connection is for me, I was aware of how deeply I suffered for all those years in isolation when inner voices told me others were not to be trusted. Those inner voices didn’t always lie as there was a time when I was dealing with a lot of emotionally shut down people, but my latest experiences in life have not been like that, lately I have been seeing how much love there is in the world and at times I weep for how in trying to protect me my inner critic and outer critic blocked me off from life, joy, connection and happiness.
Lately I am remembering all the times when bad things happened and caring souls turned up. I don’t know if my current experience is reflection on an outer level of how my inner relationship to myself and my inner child is changing but I hope it is. Just becoming aware of how I talk to myself and value myself can help so much to ease any inner pain or psychic distress. And when I treat myself as precious (not in a selfish narcissistic way, but in a self loving way) its also easier to see how precious life is and how many other precious people there are in the world who like me only long to be connected and appreciated for their own inner value and uniqueness too.