Mother’s day has now passed. Today I was browsing in our local Chinese dollar shop and there was a radio programme in which the presenters wanted to acknowledge all those Mum’s ignored or blindsided on Mother’s Day by family. “Lets have a programme where we acknowledge mad mother’s day” the announcer said with typical Aussie tongue in cheek humour.
I just read a post on how difficult Mother’s day can be for those of us who were not fully nurtured in childhood. Having to fate a mother who was never really there or hurt us with abuse or neglect is like a double wound for anyone who was not mothered. I know that for all of my life I have tried to compensate for my mother’s emotional absence by trying all that more to connect and give her what I never got. I am a bit older and wiser now and I recognise the pattern to a degree.
As the youngest in my family I had less of both parents time and attention and understanding. I really did not allow myself to know this until very recently, I was happy to take the blame as a recovering alcoholic for so called ‘defects of character’ which included difficulties with trust and intimacy left over from having been raised by emotionally distant parents who recently my therapist has pointed out were more like grandparents. My older sister was the closest person to a mother I knew but she left when I was 3 to get married and then came back and went again and then had a cerebral bleed and psychotic break. It wasn’t until I was about 6 years sober that my feelings of pain around all of this began to break through in therapy. By this time I was thousands of miles from home in England which in some way was the repeat and a trigger for the trauma I suffered after my father died and I was encouraged to go overseas alone.
Around that time I was working in job with 6 women in a small office in the University. When news came from home that further trauma was happening with my now severely disabled sister I was able to share with these women who showed me such empathy and understanding. I remember one of them saying “it is no surprise that you have struggled as you have with your mixed up mother background”. Sadly though a conflict occurred in the office a short while later where my job share colleague who was a lot like a lovely older sister got sidelined and then decided to resign. One of the other women (who incidently was a lot like my second sister) was instrumental in the conflict. At that time I decided to resign my job too. There was a lot going down in my therapy and at home. I was feeling the pull of traumatic attachment tearing me home. I have shared about it in my blog before.
Lately when I have cried in therapy over what I lost in coming home due to unconscious influences I have felt as though my being and heart will shatter in two. I have felt over past days the most intense dissociation from the life I have since tried to rebuild in my home town, especially in the first part of the morning. There was just so much lost promise around that time. I made two attempts to go back and then had a really serious accident. I came back home and went into almost complete hibernation. I really feel as I look back now that in 2005 I went into the wilderness for at least the next 11 years. Everything dissolved. Neptune transited over all of these planets in order Mars, Saturn, Moon, Sun, Mercury, Venus, Jupiter and the South Node and anyone out there who understands a bit of astrology knows how that watery, confusing influence can erode things.
In so many ways I am only now coming out of that dissolution. Neptune later passed over Chiron in my seventh house. I have had to explore how the pain of earlier wounds in relationships has dogged me and how the lack of mothering theme has been a huge repeat across the multi-generational line on my mother’s side.
My older sister died on 20 April 2014 when I was still grieving the end of the last relationship which only started four years after the ending of my marriage before so much of my earlier traumatic past was processed. And all through the demise my ex blamed me and then I think also on one level partly he knew it wasn’t the right time for me to really be involved in any new relationship, since I seemed to need all my energy for healing and he often told me “I just cant be bothered with what you need, when I need so much!”
I look back and see how impoverished my own inner mother and father energies really were then. I was struggling so hard to prove to this person that I was capable of love, turning myself inside out, allowing him to slam me hard for PTSD symptoms I had no control over. When he told me he would stop seeing me if I didn’t stop being sad I tried to not be sad. It was so awful to abandon myself in that way. I was in horrendous pain when the relationship finally in ended in 2011. That ending brought up all the other masculine abandonments starting at age 23 in the year my father died but reaching further back when I understand how little my own father ever supported me emotionally as a youngster and how later in life he forced me on a path that I did not want to follow. From that time on addiction became my unconscious rebel yell, but the pain and anger and frustration was all turned in.
I shared in a recent post that I was beginning to recognise all the work I needed to do with healing the inner father inside, but I am also aware that I still have work with the inner mother too. At times I am not kind to my body. I push myself too hard. I extend myself to help others when I need that help myself. I guess for me deeper recognitions have been a long time coming. Therapy has given me a place to find empathy and support to overcome the ‘not good enough’ voices inside which have been mirrored in criticisms from those intent on hiding their own defects and culpability. I see how much my need to care from others comes from low self esteem at times, but on another side it has to do with feeling so protective to those who are hurting or have been neglected or abused and then blame themselves, since I know how hard it is to struggle in this way myself.
Anyway today was a good day, after a painful start. I cleaned through the house and got rid of some things that were bringing me bad feelings. Jasper and I went briefly to the park and then I took myself off for lunch and to the library where I found a brilliant novel about PTSD called All Is Not Forgotten which I am going to share some excerpts from in a blog soon. I then did my groceries and nurtured my inner child by buying two little fairy figures I had been looking at in a shop window for the past few weeks.
I need very much to let my happy inner kid have some free reign at the moment. I was talking to Mum this morning and saying how I remember being a very happy child before my sister left home, and she agreed, problem being I think that happy energy and vitality was a bit too much for a far older mother who was trying to start her own business and find her own way in the world after a life in which her own inner child was repressed.
Its a strange thing but both my Mum and me have the North Node at 18 degrees Leo. At times I see us less as mother and daughter on spiritual level and more as two little kids skipping along a pathway. The healing I have had to do has so much of my Mum’s own pain in it. It may also have a great deal of ancestral pain in it too, for all I know. Lately I have been taking a lung tonic before going to bed at night. It has been helping me to breathe easier and I felt my entire body relax after I took it last night. I hope in time the grief that I have carried can be dispelled. I will always miss my older sister but often I feel her so near to me on the spiritual level. I also talk to my father all the time and he answers. He has apologised to me from spirit level many times for what he failed to give and mistakes he made. Last night I cried a lot at 5 am when I opened my heart to him and asked for his protection and guidance.
And it appears to me that as one blogger shared today, that in the end it is love that will heal us, it is love that will allow us to keep our hearts and minds open to healing, to forgiveness, to wisdom, to understanding, it is love that will give us the courage and tenacity to move forward on each new day to embrace the inner and outer good and to build the loving inner mother and father inside who can fully sustain, nurture and guide us on the journey home to our true selves.