If I

If I am reluctant to come

I know you may not understand

Exactly why and how

Traumatic imprints steal my life and energy many days

There may be lightness that comes

After reflection has shown

All that was buried

After I have been pulled in again with deep tugging

Drawing up inner seaweed from the silt bottom

Flushing out wounded hesitant places

There was so much life and love

And longing and energy

Burning deep inside before

Life energy that got subverted

Into hesitancy

Lack of trust

And also you may not understand

While you blithely dance around on the surface

That travelling this deep often involves

Inner engagement

That pulls the rug out

Covering in exhaustion

Deeper old secrets and experiences

So that even when I long to draw close

I must check that wanting

Just in case I am burnt again

So you will approach me

Knowing on some level I travel this deep

And then you may pull away

Again at the last moment

And I will be like Charlie Brown

Knowing I should have never forgotten

That sometimes people the ball away

Just to play havoc

With my soul

Or is that confusion

Self centred imagining

That cannot embrace a wider empathy

Who knows what went down

Does it matter

Its just that what you do

Tears open a wide gaping inner space

Deep inside

That then becomes a home for demons

Fuelled by past hauntings

And desertions

So for today

Perhaps I must rest instead

Deep inside this place of not knowing

And stop up the gaps

With love that suspends inner self talk

With stories, confusions

Or vain and fraught imaginings

That will only lead my soul

To grief

Perhaps today

I finally have the capacity

To make a wiser choice