I had one of those days today. You know the ones where metaphorically your soul feels like it is wearing cement boots and you are being forced to walk through quicksand or heavy mud?
It came after another session in therapy where I travelled down so deep into dark times of my past and then told my therapist I was a coward for not being able to make an independent life in England, despite the fact I suffered a major head injury and had other forces conspiring against me. Her response opened up the floodgates as I saw HOW HARD I can be on myself for my past failures. She was just so compassionate and caring with me it really brought me undone.
Then we had a grey, cold day. I had a commitment to get my car out to get a quote for repair of damage sustained a few weekends ago when I over ran my boundaries, it was perhaps another reminder of how I get over extended then I looked around home and felt even more overextended and completely exhausted. I lay at one point on the floor in the bedroom wrapped up in my doona watching the few remaining leaves that have not let go of the tree flutter in the breeze and wondered why some leaves let go easily and other don’t. Lots more was going on in my head and I was in a deep place of sadness. I felt as though with my strong Neptune I can no longer fight against the fate of being a caring person who loved her family so much she had to stay close but often felt like she fell out of their minds. I felt the love beating in my chest that will always be there, maybe I never got back as much as I gave. Maybe I will live with regrets for the rest of my life. Maybe some days will be hard always. I really prayed today to be able to meet everything with acceptance and love. I am tired of fighting.
I then thought of how our ancestral name was actually Trudgeon. When you break that down it reads trudge on, the metaphor and association to feeling like I was wading in a cesspit with concrete boots was not lost on me and in some way I saw the humour as well as the deep tragedy in it. Later my Mum called and sounded so tired and her voice was breaking. I haven’t had the energy or time to take her over the chicken soup I made on Sunday and promised her. I have had to take care of me. I cried after I got off the phone and then felt my energy return.
Yesterday I was sharing with Katina how my dog Jasper often sits silently by my right hand side with his back to me. It is as though he is my protector and he is simultaneously reading my energy and standing on guard. I was sharing how that kind of loyalty moves me to tears some times and I said to Katina how I saw that is the way I have often been with my Mum and my family. It was hard to let go when I knew they were in pain but maybe they never even expected it of me. It was me who chose that option.
Outside of what I was feeling today I know there is another part of me. It is not always accessible to me. The light, playful, happy, dancing, gregarious side can go to ground on the tough days as I feel myself trudging through life. The only thing that sustains me is the realisation these heavy feelings have come and gone before. I don’t live in them as much these days and the slow approach of the shortest day and winter is probably playing a role in the way I am feeling. I wrote a post on loving my body earlier. I will probably post it after this one. I was searching for an appropriate image for it but by then it was nearly 11 am and I hadn’t had breakfast which was kinda strange seeing the post was about caring for my body and being connected to my body. However blogging connects me too. I provides my feelings and mood with an outlet which means not everything stays locked up inside. On the tough days I give myself a hard time for feeling paralysed and forget I am still a work in progress and that I must keep remembering to honour progress rather than perfection or other self punishing ideals that don’t speak to the full truth of what my heart contains and has gone through over years both in and before recovery.