With drawn. Drawn with, what? Dark shades of solitary fear and sadness painting the new positive day with memories of a deeply disconnected past that need no longer manifest now?
I am looking back to when I feel I consciously began to withdraw into my shell. My husband and I had made a brave move overseas, but after 6 years of active abstinence in addiction I wanted to explore my past and old feelings were rising up to be felt that I had been numbing for years. And so I began my first really serious attempt at therapy.
My early dreams were these in therapy : very important ones.
In the first I was entering the front door of the family home where we all lived with the 3 major tragedies hit. In that house you entered from the garage into a door and off on the right hand side was a store room. In the dream in this storeroom were a whole lot of store manniquins, which is interesting as throughout my late childhood and adolescence my family ran, amidst other businesses a chain of fashion clothing stores. The manniquins in the dream were all dismembered and then the dream shifted as I was made aware that I was being sent on search to find the man with the wisdom of elephants, only problem being that a murder had been committed and it was the man with the wisdom of elephants who had been killed, If you think about it that is a pretty powerful metaphor for a quest to find wisdom in old memoires, but why had the man who held the knowing been killed? My therapy actually got killed off just about the time all the memoires and inner pain began to burst forth about 13 month into therapy.
The second dream was about me being in a white bathroom and I was bleeding from my nose, there was literally blood spattered on all the white walls. It interesting to me to know in later years how much I have bled at critical times, how a smash up and head injury occurred when I tried to make a second attempt at therapy and was later warned by an astrologer of the danger of re-opening old trauma, that the danger can be that in doing so old trauma is catalysed. This literally occurred for me when the planet of wounding and healing, Chiron passed over my Mars, representing self assertion, action, activity, masculine principle. I am still stuck with a lot of the trauma imprints and repeats from that time including bad panic, spiralling PTSD attacks that seem to occur religiously between 5 and 7 pm each day, which is the time of the second accident in 2005.
I was sharing in an earlier post how I backed into someone just over a week ago. It was around another anniversary and I am also aware that this time of year corresponds to the time of year my ex husband and I made the attempt to move overseas. Something I tried to start then got aborted just over 2 years later. We came back to Australia but my deep withdrawal and introversion or regression seemed to start in December 2000, interesting that then Saturn was transiting into the western hemisphere of my chart and in the past few months Saturn has been transiting into the eastern hemisphere. The first transit represents the beginning of a 14 year deconstruction phase and there is a strong karmic theme in terms of what may have been carried along the multigenerational line for our family has very strong Saturn themes, my maternal great, great, grandfather was the one who left England after his mother’s death, carrying an unexpressed grief. Two of his first girl children died in the first year of life and both carried the name of my maternal great grandmother, Eliza Jane.
Eliza Jane emigrated to Australia leaving behind a father who was perhaps confined to an asylum after suffering progressive alcoholism. The Saturnian link between he and my older sister was strong and she sometime in the early years of the 1980’s she was also put in an institution by her New Zealand husband who took her back there and out of care and rehab following her cerebral bleed in 1980 returning her to us in 1982 with a one way ticket. Following which she tried to take her life.
In the following years she became involved with an alcoholic who was suffering acute PTSD trauma from the Vietnam War. Often he would beat her up. It was a crisis with her that brought me back from overseas in 2002, exactly 20 years later, and in that year I was given information about all the ancestral connections and also informed by a healer that my sister’s illness was actually due to multigenerational wounding, something playing out across or through the collective unconscious.
How was my own withdrawal in 2000 connected to what happened both to my sister and my great, great grandfather in the 1880’s? It is now 17 years later and that period shows a half cycle of the planet Saturn having passed through the western hemisphere of my chart. Saturn now having passed the lowest point or the cusp of the third and fourth houses, called the IC shows it is entering the eastern hemisphere a transit which shows my own energy is now coalescing to build and find new structures of expression into the outer world. Erin Sullivan says of Saturn’s transit through the fourth that is has to do with atonement of family fate or karma.
That seems to me to be true and lest I judge myself harshly for so called retreat or withdrawal as so many others have done over these past years where I have struggled with depression and other mental health issues it may pay me to be aware that there has all along been something far deeper going on for me. What that is I cannot yet fully express in a blog.
I hope not to alienate followers by sharing too much astrology which can be confusing for those not versed in astrological language or familiar with astrological archetypes or energies. However I have found that in my own life arming myself with such an understanding of archetypal energies (or patterns that have universal themes and resonances on a psychological or logic of soul level) has helped me to make sense of things from a far deeper perspective than the purely personal or mundane. For as part of a collective we are working things out all the time alone the ancestral line and working to bring consciousness and light to what may have been forgotten, ignored or fallen into the darkness before so much of what we call mental illness may be something more, something with roots that reach back, something that is the outcome of decisions taken by our ancestors or due to forces impacting on our ancestors that have repercussions to the present day. At least that is my experience and understanding.