Sad

I just realised I feel bad today as for the past few days instead of starting my day by connecting to the world outside, I’ve opened the computer and blogged.   I got a huge rush of deep grief and sadness after a lot of inner struggle, then I by chance opened the email and read back some emails from my ex partner from this time 6 years ago.  It wasn’t a bad thing to do, we were trying to sort through things, or at least I was but I felt sadder as I saw from how he was writing how innocent the guy was and how much of my own fear and negativity I projected in the relationship.  In the past I have painted him as a narcissist but I don’t think he really was.  He was just from a very damaged home and struggling to find peace and build a happy life.  We came unstuck because expressing and understanding each others emotions was not a skill that was well developed in either of us at that point.   I feel so sad about this realisation now.

I know the sadness I feel today cannot really be solved right now.  I need to recognise that I need to connect from the heart and in person more, the life style of isolation I have chosen isn’t really sustaining for me at the moment, it makes my sadness and loneliness worse.  It is just hard to find likeminded people around and I am understanding how deeply lonely my soul is at the moment, lonely and empty.  No one can fix it for me.  I don’t need to keep blogging either, I need a break but I guess I blog in an attempt to externalise my feelings what ever is happening and so I can see it all in black and white.  Now I need to find something pleasant to do to nurture my soul.  I remember too the love my ex and I shared before things went badly wrong.

And I just wanted to say that sometimes when people share how difficult their trauma is but they have a loving husband I want to say, its doubly bad alone with not one person to really ease it for you just a vast empty space where another loving human life should be.

6 thoughts on “Sad

  1. I can really identify with this! I just want to encourage you to be gentle with yourself. You were doing the best that you could at the time. As your coping and relationship skills continue to develop, you will be better equipped to have a healthy partnership with someone. ❤️
    I wrote about my recent encounter with my past emails here – I hope you may find some comfort in knowing you’re not alone.
    https://breakingabuse.org/2017/01/27/forgive-yourself/

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