I just had a melt down of sorts. I tried to speak to Mum about what my brother had said and got the fob off treatment. I came off the phone in tears but I also realised how absolutely OBSESSED I am with our family psychological history. I want to know all the ins and outs of things I can do bugger all about now. I do need to know how I was affected as child, obviously there was so much going down and there wasn’t a lot of peace or place to rest. Alcohol played a part of every day, just a few glasses but even that is a lot. I got introduced to it very young, hoping I would learn to drink ‘like a grown up’.
That never happened and I was in trouble with it from early on as I had a lot of insecurity inside of me and lacked a strong foundation and healthy secure attachments. This lack of having someone secure to ‘reason things out’ with was a feature of my young life and so I learned to turn in and away from connection, seeking comfort in books and substances. But a book cannot sit with you and hold your hand and ask you questions to help you. And at times I felt so alone in a huge and tumultuous sea most especially when huge tides hit me in terms of family trauma and of course my own accident.
I think I also learned due to emotional neglect to look for the easy way out. I lacked follow through which is why it is so important to me these days to try to honour all my commitments and tasks.
Anyway there is no new life in old trauma, that is for sure. The most I can do is work to understand its impact but I am seeing more and more lately there is a time when my focus has to change onto positive new growth. There is not much life in dead, paralysed or wounded places. And my constant obsession with family trauma stops me moving forward I actually feel that I have been paralysed by fear ever since my marriage ended just over 12 years ago. And I guess that also opened up a deeper path of self knowledge.
When married I relied on my husband’s strength to get me through. I had my own emotional strength but when the marriage ended there was so much wreckage to face and some days I still beat myself up for not moving forward with my husband, instead looking back to family and on some level abandoning him and he was struggling too. In the end he left me. I felt abandoned but a lot of it was old imprints. For adults I have learned in my recovery are never abandoned, they are only left, instead it is the inner child inside who feel abandoned and so needs our loving adult self to show up and stop seeking unhealthy dependencies without. Inter dependence is another thing as we all need each other. But in interdependence two individuals work together to support and assist each other. This is what I could not do in my last relationship when I had not yet healed nor left behind my trauma past so if I am honest I cannot blame my ex entirely for leaving me, he had his own flaws but I still had a lot of growing up to do.
It would have been great to have an honest conversation with my Mum about how she really was in the marriage with Dad today. I only know how it felt as a young child and how little attention there was. They didn’t fight heaps but when they did we knew about it, Mum wouldn’t speak to Dad for days. And Mum always wanted to ‘better’ herself and everyone else around her and that can be tiring, there was so little rest. All that frenetic activity can also be an escape at times from being with your anxious self if you were yourself an deeply insecure child of trauma, abandonment or addiction and were covering that over with rages or whatever else went on all those years ago.
I think I myself did not emotionally mature in essential ways as I look back as I didn’t learn how to express myself and find healthy ways to understand and get valid needs met. That kind of honest assertion and confrontation of conflict wasn’t really allowed either in my family or in my Catholic upbringing. I remember getting in trouble for taking initiative at times.
Anyway. How good is it at the moment to be ‘beating myself up’ about how much I feel I have hidden away in past years, shrunk back from life, failed to grasp the nettle or whatever? I must remember this. Awareness, acceptance, action. I am only just now becoming aware of how fear due to a very bad accident associated with my husband leaving kept me in a paralysed place. I am moving forward slowly but at times I don’t feel I am, at times I feel I am just FUCKING stuck.
And I need to keep being aware of when my head does swings and roundabouts about the things I cannot change. From today forward it is my responsibility with the help of a higher power to build my life and sow seeds for the good. I can do absolutely nothing about yesterday and tomorrow is not clear so just for today I need to bring my energy into present time and out of worry/self beat up. Just for today is about all I have any power over and only some aspects of it.