I am becoming more aware lately of how this time of day, 5pm to 7pm is often the hardest time of day for me. I was born at 7:10 pm and I am not entirely sure how that is related only to say I can get a tightness in my chest and start to feel deep, deep loneliness and sadness at this time of day. Leading up to this over the past four or so months I became aware that at this time of day I tend to stuff my face with some kind of snack. Lately I have been trying to make it a healthy snack but eating in a compulsive way, even if what you are eating is good for you is not the best idea. Today after a tough day where I finally got out to the park around 3 pm and didn’t eat much more than an apple to clear my system out I went to the fruit and veg markets. I needed some Brazil Nuts and I slowly and very mindfully at 3 of them remembering to breathe. I then got home and swept up some of the autumn leaves but a lot was going on inwardly within, memories of how the trees shed in this way in the days leading up to my sister’s funeral in 2014. Deeper memories are there of how my life also began to fall apart in 1990 towards the tail end of my days of active addiction when I woke with stomach pains in the middle of the night and being unable to rouse my them partner drove myself to emergency, I had an ectopic pregnancy which had to be aborted and the trauma tore my relationship apart. Within a few weeks I was out of the group house I shared and back with my godparents and then later in a new unit and my relationship briefly resumed only to hit the wall and then I gave up my job and the darkest years of my addiction followed.
I am very aware that I am not there now. But I will always have a life that has been marked by trauma. I had at that time already been through three terminations of pregnancy. In the early years of recovery and sobriety when I undertook my first therapy I wrote a letter to each child that never got to live and named them. I asked their forgiveness for not being able to bring them into the world and explained why. I grieved them over years and have acceptance now over my choices. But as autumn draws in darker memories are near and this afternoon I am making the conscious choice to keep my ‘eating’ to a minimum and wait for an early dinner. I am also choosing to blog about it more for myself, for I am sure it will be boring to some readers or they may even judge, nevertheless I make the intention in this blog to be as honest as I really can about what I am going through.
I am in the cosy living room now. Jasper has just had a bone and its time to get us both dinner. I haven’t had a panic attack yet and I usually get them religiously between 5 and 7. Today I also chose to politely end the conversation with my Mum when she told me I was being ‘ridiculous’ for being traumatised by the events of the past my brother brought up yesterday, she also would not give me further information about something that would have helped me put more pieces in place and I am learning that everyone in the family has their own take on things and Mum is invested in not really owning up to all of her shortcomings. That is her business, not mine. I just need to detach otherwise it really hurts too much.
I have written a fair few posts today. I have needed to. Mars planet of action moved into Gemini planet of siblings and communication a day or so ago. Its hitting my Chiron and it explains how what my brother bought up yesterday triggered essential placements of Mars planets in my Mum and sister and dead father’s charts. I don’t know how astrology works only that when something get triggers I see it in the charts and Mars being in Gemini would suggest its good to communicate about it and get it out in the open which is not something my Mum or sister really want to do. That much I realised last night when I got no support from my sister to understand things and anyway I was defending Mum at the time which was not right.
I have to keep reminding myself it is okay to reach for understanding of my family, the past and family dynamics. I was very young when so much went down and had not a lot of way to make sense of it. I can shame and judge myself for my struggle to make sense and there are some things I will never know. But in expressing I get to contain my feelings to a degree and make sense of them, which helps me be not as unconsciously overwhelmed as I can be at times. I feel less sad now simply for writing this post at this time of day. If I can bring my patterns to better consciousness and not over eat at this time my panic attacks may just stop, so this process is, in the end, essentially for me.