Not where I belong

Why have I spent so long, trying to fit in where I did not feel like I belonged?  Why did I keep knocking on that door that was always closed? Why did I keep longing for what I could never find in you?

I am not really sure of the answer to these questions and maybe I don’t need to know.  Maybe I just need to accept and let myself move on or at least away from that pattern.

An huge empty space seems to be opening around me today.  It isn’t a scary empty empty, the emptiness to me feels beautiful and curious all at the one time.  I am experiencing a strange feeling of spiritual displacement.   I see how I always felt apart, from the very youngest age.  I see that it is far better to accept this feeling than to try to change it and battle and be angry, sad or upset about it.

A good friend in the fellowship of AA used to say to me a lot “What’s for you, won’t go past you.”  I am aware that there is a part of my spirit and soul that at times is meant to be and feel set apart, at the same time as I feel deeply connected to something more profound, that is part of our spiritual journey.  There is a deep part of the soul in me that is always dwelling in deep aloneness but that aloneness is never empty, at times I feel all my ancestors around me in the emptiness.  It could be that close to the anniversary of my sister’s death with whom I shared a very strong spiritual connection I am becoming more aware of what the Gnositics used to write that this earthly experience we have is a kind of prison or vapour that surrounds a far deeper element of soul that we touch base with only in dreams and on the more intuitive plane.

I am not at all sure I am articulating what I am feeling today, which is hard to put into words.  Soon I have to meet my brother and we see each other so rarely, he comes from a different world and yet we are spiritually connected at the same time,  thinking about seeing him I am overcome with a profound tiredness and am aware how difficult rest is for him and all of us.  I am a bit apprehensive about meeting him as when I do, two very different worlds meet and I am never entirely sure of the outcome.  I’ll keep you posted.  But I feel that these feelings and questions I am having are very related to how I have always felt in my much older family, as a stranger that comes from a different land.

2 thoughts on “Not where I belong

  1. I can relate to the feeling of not belonging. Of feeling like the odd one out. Know though, that at least to me you’re valued and I’m glad you’re on WordPress. You belong. xx

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