I am not so alone : or only as alone as I want to be

Well I survived meeting my brother this afternoon and I came away from the meeting feeling like I had removed another veil of illusion from my eyes.  I saw how at times I create a distance with my brother in my mind and I saw how my brother struggles to really nurture himself.  He seems to push and push himself and ends up with injuries that come out of a difficulty being still or losing touch with his body.  And I felt friendship, affection and love for my brother and saw we have all been affected by our ancestors struggle to survive that led to addiction in my great, great grandfather.

Before I went to the meeting today I saw how innocent we really are.  We are all just human beings struggling to live with whatever conditioning and influences that we have been brought on earth to face.  We do the best we can from our level of consciousness.  Are there really any enemies ‘out there’ or is it all about finding the love and compassion within that will stop us creating enemies where none really exist, enemies that perhaps are created by us transferring old wounds onto new situations?  And how often does our concern with ‘how others are treating us’ actually come out of selfishness and self obsession, when we don’t get what we wish we could get from them?   Are we really being realistic about our expectations of others who are just flawed and human like us and perhaps wrapped up in their own problems and pain?

I have had a revelation this afternoon after returning to my home of just how isolated I have been in my life til now and most especially in the past 12 years since my marriage ended. It started to occur all around the time I stopped going to my AA meetings.  I don’t know why but I think I got scared at meetings.  I thought that I really needed to go deeply into my past pain in therapy that came over years and years of feeling so small and as though I did not really know how to fit or how to relate on planet earth. But this afternoon after the two men who have been helping me to stain my deck left I realised how easily I could talk to them and joke around, and how far I am from that frightened insecure little girl from a much older family who didn’t really know how to relate, slowly over years I really have been recovering emotionally and I have needed all the therapy possible to begin to heal what I lacked before and became worse over years of addiction..

The fact is that these days I can and do relate and I no longer want to be as alone and remove and separate myself from others thinking I am in some way not the same as them.  I cried after the two men left this afternoon as their going reminded me of how it felt when Dad died and my partner phoned to say he no longer loved me any more and not to bother meeting him in India as we had planned, he had met someone else.  How hard it was then to go off and alone.  But thinking back even when that happened at critical moments people turned up out of no where to help me at the 11th hour.  There was the family friend who just miraculously appeared on the reception desk at the hotel I found my way to by ‘chance’ in London after arriving from Australia in February 1985, just under six weeks after my father had died, jetlagged and overwhelmed by a huge city.

There was the good friend from home who was told on a boat going to the Greek Islands that I was on another boat to Ios and who turned up the night I was dumped for the second time by the aforementioned ‘boyfriend’ who I just happened to bump into at the American Express office in Athens got reinvolved with and was betrayed by yet again.

As I look back I see the good things that were there.  I see the chances that presented themselves but I also see a young woman burdened by deep feelings of self doubt and ‘not good enough’ who at times created monsters in her mind and pushed those who tried to love her away.  And I have compassion for that young woman, after just over 10 years of deeper therapy I see the very real traumas she suffered through alone with no way to really articulate them until many years into sobriety.  I see how over time she learned to fear others and at times separate herself from them keeping herself alone because that was the only place she felt truly safe. And I see the part deeply unconscious fear began to play in shutting down signals of the body screaming out to be connected to others. I also see how her thoughts could at times play a huge part in playing that disconnection script out.

Today I could cry for the times I kept myself alone, when I could have moved back towards connection.  I cry for the times I took myself off or persisted in an activity that I knew deep inside would isolate me or hurt me further.  I see how it the end it was really I who was and still can be at times, the architect of my own loneliness and isolation.   And sad as that is, how grateful do I feel now?   I see all the good in the world that there is, I see all the souls out there who want to help, if I can only humble myself enough to ask.  I see that in end its really only I who can make the choice to unlock the door to the prison in my own thinking mind that keeps me trapped in fear and separation.  It is only I who can bust myself out of that thinking trap to embrace love above and beyond the powerful call and pull of fear that so often can snap at my heels like a hungry dog.  What a liberation!

Fear, fear, fear, so much fear I was literally drowning in it.  Love, love, love, so much love that I feel at times it could literally blow me apart. Love and fear, fear and love, two such powerful forces.

One thought on “I am not so alone : or only as alone as I want to be

  1. What a courageous and insightful post! I resonate with so much of what you write about. Life is a struggle and if we are committed to understanding there are treasures to be found – looks like you have found many. Thanks for sharing.

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