I just wrote a long post, posted it and took it down. When I read it back I actually realised how enmeshed I have been in my family of origin for years. Reading about how others are taking positive action to be do and express beyond their own mental illness has galvanised me and also made me see how I sit around a lot complaining or writing about past trauma but then don’t really go outwards at all, not even exercising enough on many days. The positive side is that I do gain a lot of inner wisdom about my self, my family trauma and my past, the negative side is that I don’t see myself as actually having made concrete steps to build a separate life for myself out side of the family enmeshment. Now on some days I feel lonely and sad as I see how I have watched relationships go to the wall and how much time I spend alone. The unresolved lure of family issues and family trauma has pulled me back and made it hard for me to build myself a life outside of it. I am 54 now and I know it isn’t too late, its never too late to make positive changes and I now see that this is what I need to do. I also know that the past years of doing therapy have been necessary for me to shine a light on the darkness of the past, but its a lonely sad darkness that has possessed me from the unconscious and I don’t want it to be that way any more. Life should be about life while we are living it, not death, not paralysis, not zilch movement or engagement with the day outside the barricade of our own two ears. It’s lonely inside our own heads when we get trapped in past difficulties pain and negativity and while living there you don’t get to connect with other minds and hearts that may have a different take on things that might help.
I hope this post isn’t chock full of self rejection. I am feeling a bit fed up with myself today after a day yesterday with old family issues got shone a new light on. I tried to write about them in a previous post but took it down. Maybe its something I just need to work out or on inside, sharing it with someone else in recovery.
It is a cold, damp, grey day today. I better go get breakfast as its getting late. I need to get moving as yesterday I ate some food that wasn’t good for me due to my brother’s visit and some triggering revelations that had me spinning a bit. I need to make up for it today. Recovery shows me I have to take care of me, little slips are okay but they need to corrected to keep life moving forward on a positive footing.