Our soul lives in our body and our soul never forgets the deepest things. Our mind might fool us into thinking we ‘know’ what is going on, but the story of the soul within the body is far deeper and it won’t be fooled or allow us to forget the truth entirely.
I am conscious today of pain around my heart. Yesterday was an acute day of body symptoms coming up to the anniversary of my sister’s death. I lost my godmother last week too and by some strange case of soul synchronicity she will be cremated tomorrow a day after my sister’s anniversary. I was so conscious of this when I spoke to my Mum this morning. She had a lot of body pain herself and I know the entire trajectory of my Mums’ trauma history interconnected as it is with her three daughter’s trauma history and of the complex tendrils of interlaced connection to her first ever daughter and best friend who was the longed for sibling my mother never had in real life. And interconnected to this is my own pain over the loss of a sister who was more like mother to me and the huge hole I feel around struggling in my own life to make heart to heart connections of trust with other women. I came away from the conversation with my heart feeling like it would burn my chest to ashes and I am never entirely sure after these connections how much of the pain is mine and how much my own soul is reading my mothers’ soul energetically. Then there are the voices in my head in which I struggle to think of things I could ‘do’ to make it better but that can be problematic for her pain is her pain, my pain is my pain. As adults we each have to carry our own.
I came down with a severe cold which I picked up from my Mum, yesterday and I have felt my immune system struggling to throw it off. I remember that shortly after my sister’s death in 2014 I came down with a bad flu and had a deep rasping cough that settled on my chest. I am sure it was all related to loss and grief and its now being triggered again, my soul in my body is aware of these anniversary imprints as I sweep up the fallen autumn leaves that are associated with my sister’s death and funeral three years ago. Imprints of other traumas are associated too, the two babies I gave up, one the result of an ectopic pregnancy in 1990.
Admist all of this I am struggling with how to connect with my Mum at this time. Do I mark both events by offering to take my Mum to the crematorium garden where my sister’s ashes are interned tomorrow, to mark in some way the anniversary and give my Mum a place to share some tears? Otherwise I am aware of only a huge gaping hole or empty space between all of us that is most intuited by the soul, especially for me and of my own grief which comes in like a wave at the moment but doesn’t really have any place of containment or witness apart from in therapy?
Alternatively do I just sit silently in mindfulness and take care of my own life, knowing that at a deep interconnected level this is enough. And is the way that brings soothing and peace? I don’t have any answers at the moment. I just need to keep listening to my heart and choosing nourishment.
Its a tender hearted situaion and I am never quite sure what to ‘do’. A little while ago I posted a post on just ‘being’ in response to reading how much others struggle with punishing voices and judgementsin their own heads which I was reading earlier. But I am also aware that a deeply spiritual embodied life, calls for action too. Action that will move with spirit and in deep alignment with it in order to express care, commitment and love in the world.
These are the values my own pain has shown me are most valuable to live for and to express. Hurt and anguish and pain and loss and illness and grief and shame and soul pain are all best met with love and it seems at times this is the thing we most struggle to express and ground ourselves in. And love comes from a beating heart that pumps its life and love blood through our body which is nothing less than soul in substance to other hearts and souls with whom our earthly journey here has chosen to connect us.
Reading a book on panic attacks this morning I learned how much avoidance becomes part of anxiety. The thing that hurt us makes us contract or pull back and we get trapped in that state of inward pulled contraction as a fear and control response to things that hurt. But to live in a state of contraction is not the natural way and ends up limiting life our heart and our soul.
In the law of expression expansion should follow contraction. If you tense your muscles they will relax because you are working them. We were born to open our hearts if we really want to live, breathe, experience and over come. Not that we really overcome entirely but we do have a certain choice as to whether we make the effort to open and expand, to listen to the heart and move with its connection trajectory, or contract and make the body carry the burden of what it had to close off to knowing, accepting and expressing because of fear. Then it seems to me our soul suffers in some way and our body carries the burden as trauma specialist Bessel van der Kolk has pointed out.
Today I am striving for a balance between doing and being. I am aware that although there are some pains I can never heal there are things I can do to give the pain a place to speaks its voice and be responded to in love without blocking off from, but opening to being and feeling. If I listen to my body I can hear the signals my soul may be sending out and respond from a place of openness and love. I can also accept that in this present moment I can choose to be in a place and attitude of peace. A place where I just allow myself some rest from all the thinking that can rob me of connecting more deeply in the present moment. This is what my soul craves most of all. A place of deep connection and rest far away from all the separation and conflict my mind can so often create.