Topsy Turvy

Topsy turvy

twist and turn

don’t know which way is up

into the day of this reality

bleed unconscious images of the past

feelings intimations

I am here with you

but ancestral imprints call

and longings deep

for a time when we were all knitted together

in a cosy jumper

and not torn apart

all unravelled

dogs romp and play in a happy field

where we talk together of innocent things

so far away from all the regret and damage and pain

and I am grateful for this reprieve

but when we return to the car

tears are falling from my eyes

and my entire being is split apart

with so much repressed feeling

so much emerging knowing

and a growing awareness of all we strained to live

and of what in desiring we forgot

and fell into emptiness

I look down left and met your eyes Jasper

they see so deeply into my soul

and seem to say it is natural to cry

when one’s heart is breaking

with knowledge of all that could not be seen before

and you are so far away

from simplicity

naked, unfettered knowing

In your eyes I feel I am known more truly

within those pools of silent clarity

I find myself

where there are no words only feelings

but at times

your way of knowing seems too much

in a world beyond words

you know in a way only presence and being can

and I am aware of how limited and fractured my own consciousness is

with its petty concerns that steal me away

from timeless deeper realities

oh how to encompass all of this within a poem

I am so aware of worlds within worlds within worlds

so deeply playing out like ripples in a pond

I am the stone that is thrown

not knowing how far the ripples will travel

and who they will affect

and at times this knowing is so hard to bear

showing me how little my soul truly knows

now there is only this present moment

open and clear

but beneath, far, far deeper lives another life

and other lives playing out

struggling to find the words for the wordless

I falter on the edge of this precipice

feeling the helpless magnitude of life

And of past endeavours

whose outcomes could only be known through regret

here I sit as the pool of tears recedes

gazing out on a landscape

littered with wreckage pieces

struggling to find a new pattern

and a new shape

a new way of being