I had an insight today, when I am connected to other caring humans it seems my feelings flow. When I choose to be disconnected my feelings can be dammed up but I still find I sometimes hit a ‘wall’ before choosing to connect. I start to hear in my head all the reasons why I should not, could not and often they are lies or untrue. I decide in my own head what is going on with others and if I don’t open my own isolated thought processes to others I cannot always get a reality check. I am seeing recently how deeply my past life and circumstances have conditioned me to ‘go it alone’ and as a recovering alcoholic I see this hasn’t been the best thing for me, but it does come out of having been overpowered when I was a child by others hurting me with actions or an inability to empathise or understand where I am coming from.
Also having a consciousness that has known trauma I tend to travel into the dark a lot. I haven’t posted it but yesterday after two days entirely alone without any human connection much I wrote a poem about how I love night and how painful daybreak is for me, reading it back I could see it was because the unconscious exerts a powerful inner pull on me but that unconscious needs to be grounded in consciousness too if I am not to be entirely swept away into the inner world of night and death and shades which then becomes a heavy depression. Do I really need to resist and fear a new day so much when it may hold happier possibilities if I nurture positive hopes for connection rather than projecting fearful disaster scenarios of the past?
All this insight is probably occurring as Mercury planet of communication and perception turned retrograde recently just after Saturn. I am feeling the inward pull. On Sunday I got a flat battery because due to being distracted on Saturday after taking my Mum out I forgot to take the keys out of the ignition and left it turned on. I then had to pay extra money to roadside assist because I had let my membership lapse due to a lot of recent bills and extra cost. I then beat myself up over that and after taking the car out on the open road as advised during a very heavy and dangerous storm I had a massive panic attack. I was just so grateful I could get myself out and about yesterday to temper the pull inwards that occurred on Sunday. Those kind of regressive days end up scaring me as I don’t wish to go back to suicidal depression and days of three or five panic attacks which have been reduced over the recent months of summer.
I also have to remind myself to eat. I get on WordPress and get caught up writing and forget to eat which is not good. I need to stay connected to my body but my deeper tendency is to get a bit lost in my mind and thinking, blogging works best when it is stream of consciousness for me and that occurs sometimes but lately I have been getting a bit entangled with blogging and neglecting present time and I need to live with a foot securely in both world to maintain a good state of balance.
Lunch calls me now and then therapy. I am so grateful for therapy but sometimes it isn’t enough. I am seeing that more and more recently. I need to reach out to connect from a natural place and not isolate too much when I hear the negative voices in my head. I have to question whether what my head is telling me about other people not understanding or getting it is really true and take a risk to open up and find out beyond my prison of isolation.