Sad conversation with my Mum

I had a convo with my Mum this morning that reduced me to tears.  It was all around the fact that my sister’s son’s wife’s father is dying of a terminal illness.  My sister is needed to go down to Melbourne to mind her grandchildren while her daughter in laws comes here and collects her car to drive it down to see her dying father.  It is a lot for my sister who copes with a mental illness herself and carries a lot of grief and it is all happening close to the anniversary of my other sister’s death.

Mum was very distressed this morning for my sister.  It was a difficult conversation as it was reminder of how alone we women are in this family and my sister is needed as a support, she is separated from her partner and she isn’t always the strongest herself.  But at the same time its a painful reminder of how much my family struggles with grief around loss and other difficult feelings.  I felt a little sad as I hadn’t heard from my sister this week and I was sick of being the only one who seems to call.  I then felt a bit selfish when I knew what was going on, but at the same time I haven’t done anything wrong.  I didn’t know all of this was happening as my sister doesn’t open up to me much.  When I share this with my Mum she tells me how my sister is a private person and finds it hard to reach out. She isn’t alone in that but we are a little different in that I open up about what is going on and in the past I have been judged for that.

I felt the full weight after this conversation both of all of our collective losses but also of the deeply Saturnian aloneness theme of my childhood.  It was a painful reminder that my parents also came out of emotional lack and had to become super responsible, there was no fall back and part of the emotional neglect of my childhood is all to do with that.  As I just allowed myself to feel all the sadness and release it today I had this thought : my parents were innocent beings, they did the best they could, it was in no way enough, but it was just the way it was.  I felt a clarity free of other twisted story lines and judgements running through me.  It was a deeply sad but deeply honest space that opened here in my heart.

In this situation of loss and lack I need to keep giving love, but I also need to nourish my heart.  I am not selfish if I practice self care but I do care and sometimes I can’t really give enough to heal others hurt and pain which is theirs to carry, but I do feel it deeply and wish only that they know healing love in a time of pain.  That is the best I can do.

Today I will take my Mum out to buy a plant for her friend, we will spend some time together talking.  There will be love there, in the place where frustration and resentment once lived.  I saw and felt and realised something so deep today, deeper than any words I can write here.  If you feel it too I am sure you will recognise what I cannot say in words.  And that today my heart, despite this sadness feels a quiet and gentle peace.  I have missed out on so much fun and light heartedness in my life, at times life seems so serious.  I can only bear witness to it and be as honest as I can be through out the process.

8 thoughts on “Sad conversation with my Mum

    1. I am I cried all the way to Mum’s today. I realised so much deep inside I could never fully put into words. I have been talking to my father on the other side a lot this afternoon. Thanks for that recognition. Contact from and with you always gives me such a warm feeling, Jami ❤ ❤ ❤

      1. My mom has been trying to love me ever since she moved away, and I’ve always rejected it…and felt terribly guilty for doing so. I just couldn’t help it. Her leaving made me feel so unloved, yet I knew she loved me…confusing, to say the least. I resented her at the same time I loved her, and along with all the other things going on inside me, I just could not accept her love…until this year. Not until a year of therapy and a LOT of self nurturing. There’s no one easy way out…it took so many pieces to finally give me the tools to accept her love, even though it’s not given to me in the way I expect it to be. I still struggle with it, and probably will always have to work at it. Same goes for my dad…it’s still painful when he doesn’t love me like I want him to, and I know he will never change and I also know the way he makes me feel is not intentional, so I’m adjusting. When I find myself feeling frustrated and resentful at either of them, I realize it’s usually because I’ve been slacking on my own work…like I’ve skipped meditating or writing or therapy or whatever. I get back to it, back to my self nurturing, and those feelings ease up.

        I can see the shift in you from reading this post. It’s starting to happen, and I’m so happy for you:)

  1. Oh Jamie reading your comment made me cry ❤ 🙂 Hug…… I know what you mean about that terrible dichotomy with our Mums. They don't seem to be able to show the love in the ways we needed and being left would have been so, so painful and such a huge thing to cope with. My heart goes out to you. Today I cried a lot again as I realised the love my Mum has always tried to show me and of the anger of mine and resentment that has pushed her away. I see now she doesn't live in my skin so how could she know. She was so so alone in childhood that I feel she did the best she knew how. I also feel guilty as she has (looking back) tried to give so much practical support. I feel the forgiveness opening up in me. I am also feeling my mother's love more and more and how sad her life has been in so many ways. I think once we learn true compassion for ourselves and struggles that tends to extend to others. Love to you . x

    1. Sorry, I just saw this comment now…

      It sounds like you and I are still on such similar paths. What you just wrote here, I totally get it. You had to peel off so many layers and process so many buried emotions to come to this understanding. I liken this journey to climbing a mountain. You’re not quite sure what weights for you on the other side, but you know it’s better than living in the shadows where you’ve been your whole life. And it’s really tiring climbing such a big thing, but you don’t want to give up when you’ve made so much progress. You are so close to the top. The light is just about to reach over and shine on you…you know that, right? So close…💕

      1. Oh Jami such a beautiful comment…a really tough day followed this but I guess thats the way it goes on this healing path ..i love the analogies you use…youve been there so you know (hug)…i hope the light will stay..i really hope it does..thanks so much for your support and kind encouragement 💖

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