I had a convo with my Mum this morning that reduced me to tears. It was all around the fact that my sister’s son’s wife’s father is dying of a terminal illness. My sister is needed to go down to Melbourne to mind her grandchildren while her daughter in laws comes here and collects her car to drive it down to see her dying father. It is a lot for my sister who copes with a mental illness herself and carries a lot of grief and it is all happening close to the anniversary of my other sister’s death.
Mum was very distressed this morning for my sister. It was a difficult conversation as it was reminder of how alone we women are in this family and my sister is needed as a support, she is separated from her partner and she isn’t always the strongest herself. But at the same time its a painful reminder of how much my family struggles with grief around loss and other difficult feelings. I felt a little sad as I hadn’t heard from my sister this week and I was sick of being the only one who seems to call. I then felt a bit selfish when I knew what was going on, but at the same time I haven’t done anything wrong. I didn’t know all of this was happening as my sister doesn’t open up to me much. When I share this with my Mum she tells me how my sister is a private person and finds it hard to reach out. She isn’t alone in that but we are a little different in that I open up about what is going on and in the past I have been judged for that.
I felt the full weight after this conversation both of all of our collective losses but also of the deeply Saturnian aloneness theme of my childhood. It was a painful reminder that my parents also came out of emotional lack and had to become super responsible, there was no fall back and part of the emotional neglect of my childhood is all to do with that. As I just allowed myself to feel all the sadness and release it today I had this thought : my parents were innocent beings, they did the best they could, it was in no way enough, but it was just the way it was. I felt a clarity free of other twisted story lines and judgements running through me. It was a deeply sad but deeply honest space that opened here in my heart.
In this situation of loss and lack I need to keep giving love, but I also need to nourish my heart. I am not selfish if I practice self care but I do care and sometimes I can’t really give enough to heal others hurt and pain which is theirs to carry, but I do feel it deeply and wish only that they know healing love in a time of pain. That is the best I can do.
Today I will take my Mum out to buy a plant for her friend, we will spend some time together talking. There will be love there, in the place where frustration and resentment once lived. I saw and felt and realised something so deep today, deeper than any words I can write here. If you feel it too I am sure you will recognise what I cannot say in words. And that today my heart, despite this sadness feels a quiet and gentle peace. I have missed out on so much fun and light heartedness in my life, at times life seems so serious. I can only bear witness to it and be as honest as I can be through out the process.