It was very lovely to receive several comments on one of my latest posts from others who also struggle with feeling as though they don’t belong. I was reading some other comments on another WordPress site last night and so many people who have chronic pain or illness are sidelined or dropped by so called ‘friends’ when the going gets really tough and going through that is such deep agony. It is hard not to blame ourselves. I know at the darkest times I have watched certain friendships go to the wall. I learned that it wasn’t safe to open my heart with a lot of people, but strangely when I did start to be more honest I was also opened up to by others who had stories of suffering, vulnerability and pain just like mine.
One of my earliest experiences of acceptance was when I found the blog of An Upturned Soul through a google search for an astrology transit and found a lot of information on recovering from narcissistic abuse. One of my poems was published on that site and it was the one I wrote in the darkest lonely days following my divorce when I became involved with someone who triggered all my abandonment and lack of acceptance issues from childhood. At that point in that relationship I could not stand up for myself and there were numerous silent treatments and sidelinings when I was strong enough to be emotionally honest. I was sharing about how painful it was with my therapist the other day. Emotional pain and sadness was not to be tolerated by my ex who had his own share but was invested in keeping it under wraps.
I look back now and feel so sad that I didn’t then have the courage to go on the healing path alone but at the same time its only natural the wounded child in me would have reached out for love. Without love we wither and die and sadly for most of us who have known rejection or misunderstanding we end up having to find it from within. However at the same time due to the remorseless inner critic that complex trauma and abuse leaves us with in childhood we also often need professional or other outside help to fight those demons that can possess our minds from within which was why I did a little leap of joy when I found the quote I posted yesterday about how our heart knows a truth that often our mind wont let us know fully. And we need to find at least one person who’s own heart is open to help us anchor deeply in our truth and pain. When we cant find that place of acceptance its hard to find true healing.
If we have been neglected or abused or felt for so long as though we don’t belong maybe its because our deeper soul speaks another language that others don’t speak. We may see deeper or feel more deeply than others due to wounds of our past and our strong sensitivity leads to a far more active and imaginative mind that can put all kinds of projections on new experience. There is also nothing as deeply painful as being judged as ‘mad’ or ‘bad’ simply for being emotionally wounded and left with a bitter legacy of anger and hurt. Being triggered we can age regress or flash back to earlier injuries or instances of being dismissed, abandoned or left alone emotionally simply by a look or a word, then we suddenly find ourselves feeling about 2 years and 2 year old feelings, as my therapist explained yesterday are just too huge for a 2 year old to handle without help, which is probably why we end up getting judged and rejected so much if anger bursst out at the so called ‘wrong’ time (which incidentally may have been the ordained ‘right’ time for our healing and growth!)
Thank god for the WordPress community is all I can say today. I am so grateful to followers and to those who share their own experience most especially lately. I see so many of my fellow bloggers reaching deep insights and there are those who are further ahead in their own healing too and are so nurturing and encouraging. Where would we be on the lonely nights and dark days without this kind of connection?
We are most definitely not alone in feeling like we don’t belong. I posted this post a while back on how feeling like I don’t belong may be a step on the way to learning to belong to and nurture myself.
At that stage I hadn’t achieved as much emotional awareness as I have over the past year or so since I have been with my new therapist. Today I am just so grateful to be able to share about these experiences and to hear from others who go through the same. We are most definitely not alone in this painful heart scape and heart space. Once we can take seriously and understand where those feelings come from we are a long way along the path to growth and wisdom. There is so much comfort in that.