I dont want to be here but I do!

I wrote this post in the grip of a deeply suicidal depression last winter. I’m not sure if it will help anyone today in the grips of this same feeling. But I felt the need to repost it.

Emerging From The Dark Night

Ambivalence.  Ambi-valence. Do you experience it much? I know I do, mostly in deciding who and who not to be involved with, in issues surrounding my family, most especially and my Mother in particular.

Lately as Mars has stirred up deep, complex buried feelings and issues I have experienced ambivalence around whether I really want to be here, living this life.

On the weekend I again entered deep suicidal territory.  I knew I had to face the feeling and not run but it was also crushing me and I knew I had to make a movement too, out of a house that didn’t rise above 10 degrees celcius all day despite having the heating on full bore.

At the deepest point of pain what came to mind was the letter my great, great, great grandfather wrote to his son in the depths of winter in 1879 saying how cold it was in Cornwall…

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