I experience a lot of uncertainty and doubt in my life. I was discussing it with Katina yesterday, how I feel I never really have it ‘all together’ and its kind of laughable when I really think about it because who does? At the same time I want to be able to live my life with happiness and wholeheartedness, to face the new day with a sense that I am in touch with things that bring me joy and when I think about it the deepest depression which was at time also full of suicidal thoughts that dogged me for the last 10 years off and on is no longer with me as much and at times I really tap into joy, but I believe that has happened because I lived and really have faced and felt so much of my deep, deep sadness, anger, pain, disappointment and confusion over the past years. When I post posts about sadness being the way through which leads to a deeper connection with inner joy and meaning its not just philosophy for me, it comes out of my own lived experience.
I share a lot about books I may be reading on here. Books about others on an emotional or soulful journey speak to me and give me courage and hope as they have done all through my sobriety and ongoing emotional recovery. Yesterday I had to meet with the solicitor with my Mum to organise to sign over the property I bid for at auction to her. I shared about how my hand was forced by an old pattern that came out of my deep father loss and there was an even deeper pattern and unconscious script going on within me that in order to so call ‘move on’ in my life it was necessary to leave this old place of mine behind. At times, like my greater life and past, it has all felt ‘too much’ and when I go to my older brother and mother from this weaker place and transfer other sadness onto it that comes from emotional abandonment and neglect long past but still living inside me they also tell me the whole place needs to be demolished just because its older and not in line with their love of modernity. From that space I lose touch with the deeper vision inside me that sees how full of soul it is and how much I love it, despite some of the inconveniences of living in an older place.
Thankfully I now do not have to move, but a part of me was still sad yesterday and I cried a fair bit during the meeting with the solicitor yesterday and later with my Mum, but she was so kind and sweet with me yesterday and held my hand when I cried and really listened to me. This morning I was overcome with a deeply bittersweet sadness and gratitude for my mother’s support. I felt how even though our relationship has been challenging at times and she has neglected and hurt me deeply, at times she has also tried her very hardest to help coming from a different mind set to me and I know there is love there. It feels at times there are two sides to my Mum and the soft nurturing accepting side was really present yesterday. She has listened to my wishes and helped me out of a very sticky situation so for that I feel a bit of guilt but also enormous gratitude.
Anyway after our meeting and lunch I went to our little local library and picked up a sweet book on emotional healing and love. The writer was an actor turned therapist who had a very difficult relationship with her father and several painful love relationships that eventually led her to therapy. In the end she found ways to heal her wounds and live a life of joy, purpose and meaning. The book is called Lovelands and the author is Debra Campbell and I loved the metaphorical and poetic way she spoke of the Lovelands and all the different parts of the landscape we meet there, deep faultlines which come out of our wounds and fissures, the Badlands and the path of projection as well as the deep woods of despair. She also speaks a lot about finding the path or rivers of flow within us. Those places where we feel carried along by inspiration, passion, fire and joy. For Debra yoga is one of those tools, for me I guess it is blogging, writing, poetry, music and dance. The later two played a big part in my childhood but I felt I left them behind as I was forced into a life and career by my father I didn’t really choose and began to live more from a false self, burying the real self so deep down that it took ages to find her.
Today I awoke with such a sense of peace and joy, but as always doubt was there hovering in the wings like an ever present ghost. This old house of mine isn’t going to be as warm as the townhouse would have been and winter is steeling in on icy feet at the moment. Then I look around at all my ‘stuff’ which really isn’t just stuff its things that bring me joy and are full of meaning and soul. I no longer want to be dismissing myself and these things which are part of my soul’s expression so I just have to be aware of the doubt and negative voices that may want to lay everything to waste.
Anyway I started this blog today speaking about doubt and uncertainty and one of my purposes of writing this blog today was to share with you a beautiful reading on these issues that I found last night in my daily reader by Tian Dayton it really spoke to what it means to be on a path of self discovery that leads us into dark and doubtful places. It helped me to see that to feel these things is not really ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ but all parts and parcel of what we go through as humans on path of self discovery. I hope it may help you, too.
Challenges Along the Path
If I am really in search of self, I have chosen a difficult path.
Looking at my own unconscious
will inevitably bring deep anxiety and fear,
but I can stay with it.
I will not abandon myself at these crucial moments.
The spiritual seeker wonders if it is all worthwhile. Old doubts and feelings, which he thought were far behind him, suddenly loom up again. He is stabbed by dread that the whole thing may be only an dream world of his own illusions. Such periods of temptation are perfectly normal, expect them to come…
Another crisis is the uneasiness of self condemnation. There is no one in the entire world who condemns you. You yourself are the only person who condemns you – and pointlessly. In reality, there is no condemnation whatever, but, as long as you think about it you ache. Not only that, but a man dwelling with the illusion of self condemnation is compulsively driven to do things that increase the illusion. There is no man, nor god, nor past experience to condemn you You are free and you are free right now. Will you try to see this?
Can we let ourselves understand how difficult our journey is at times? How often we feel ourselves to be lost but how if we just keep finding the courage to put one foot forward and then surround ourselves with an open field of love, compassion and acceptance our pain can be transformed? This is the message I got from Debra’s book and also from so many other inspirational writers who have travelled the hard path that led through a deep dark wood, but have in time managed to find the sunlight of spirit that awaits on the other side. So for today just keep believing, love yourself and let the self doubt and self condemnation blow away on the wind.