I am on about wounds a lot today. I got to thinking after reading my last post again and reading a comment from a valued follower that there is a deep wound of separation that I did hear spoke of a lot both in and out of recovery circles.
In the years just prior to getting sober in AA at age 31 I was very interested in spiritual matters, astrology, emotional and psychic sensitivity, the wound to the earth and of the World Wars and all wars really, the wound to the deep feminine. It was after I got sober that the reality of all of this wounding really struck me so deeply and I understood more why it all resonated so much within me. I felt our collective suffering deeply and so often in AA meetings where I would sit and weep at many of the stories of addicts in recovery.
I was also dreaming a lot and recording my dreams. Just before and after getting sober I had two very psychically strong and powerful dreams about my father who had died about 8 years before. In the first one he called me out of this den of iniquity and helped me hide behind a bush as I watched the house I had been in burn to the ground. That was so metaphorically true of how my old being would be transformed in the following years. In the second I literally felt his spirit connect to my heart and fill it with love. I woke to feel him with me so powerfully in a way I had never done before his death. That dream occurred in the first month of my sobriety..
There have been other dreams in ensuing years but none as powerful as those two. And over the past years I have felt that deep wound of separation in my soul so often and read about it in many books especially those with a focus on A Course In Miracles by writers such as Paul Ferrini and Marianne Williamson.
When I read the comment from my dear follower about how he can be sometimes repulsed by a part of himself that is wounded, I thought of this wound of separation. Why, I wondered, is it so hard for us to love the wounded other and even our own wounded self at times? Although I am no fan of narcissists something in me cringes when their victims come over all nasty and mean about the narcissist. Another part of me thinks “Good on them!!” But I do find it hard to despise totally the suffering self in others that leads them to darkness or lovelessness, part of me just feels this infinite compassion for the broken or separated part of them
The original wound of separation occurs for us at birth. We are forced from our mother’s womb by the urge to life and who knows if our soul chose it. We come into form in the world where so much is outside of our control and we encounter so much pain and so much loss. At times it is real feat to walk on earth and to keep walking through all the suffering unless we can open our hearts and keeping our hearts open IT IS JUST SO FUCKING PAINFUL at times, it takes really courage and real gumption to keep moving forward! And its also okay if we are not up to the task either on some days or for a whole life as we are only human.
My ex partner used to say to me all the time “For God’s sake you aren’t fucking Jesus!” but another part of me would think, well why not? He is not such a bad person to aspire to be. In darkest times I have felt how it must have been to be Jesus suffering as he did with his own infinite wisdom and open heart, being misunderstood all over the place. At other times I think to aspire to be that way is a sign of some form of perverse masochism if taken too far.
In the long run though we have to come out on the side of something. To understand how separation hurts us, how we intensify it with our reactions and thoughts or negative ego (as opposed to the positive ego we all need to move through life’s challenges) is big work. Seeing where we have to let go of valued and seemingly valuable ego ideals is important, seeing where compromising them costs us too much is also important. And then sometimes we just find ourselves down on lacerated knees in a pile of glass shards screaming in pain from the separations others have forced on us, or we have forced on ourselves or others due to ego ideals gone bad.
Can we keep loving anyway? Can we give up thoughts of attack, blame, guilt and separation? Can we answer all of these with love? And can we, as my lovely follower wrote, just wrap our arms around that wounded self in the darkest of times? If so perhaps we can find ways to ease the pain of separation that we undergo in the course of living every day. Could this be, at the present time, the most powerful meaning we could strive for, knowing and accepting that so often we and others will fail and that we so offer err and meet so much suffering in the world?