Here is another post that got locked up in drafts for over 2 years!!
A smelly dog sits by my side as I write this. He smells from pootellng round in the water then rolling in the sand near the lake after a wild free run in which he ran in ever widening circles, chasing birds, trying to make friends with strangers and being called by his owner and not coming back because he was just too caught up in having fun and chasing whatever captured his interest at that time.
I’ve learned over some months not to freak out when he is gone from view. One day he chased after kangaroos which graze very close to the park we visit. It was only when I let go of stressing that he appeared out of sight only to run off to the gate of the dog park about a kilometre away. Partly I wanted to teach him a lesson for ignoring me. I drove off around the block he was let in at the gate by people who know us who didn’t have a clue what was going on.
Part of me gets miffed and part of me is thrilled by this disobedience. I like to think that something powerful from my own childhood is being played out and having a chance to come out a certain way, with a better outcome. It may be all wild imagining.
A long time ago I was at a mind body spirit festival. I had a tarot card reading and drew the Moon card which has a wolf howling at the moon. The reader said to me. “you are the wild wolf” but your mother would have preferred that you were a domesticated dog, there is a learning to go through in order to reclaim that wild self.
Interestingly enough I got very interested in Clarissa Pinkola Esters book Women Who Run With the Wolves after I found sobriety following years of fairly out of control binge drinking. The idea of a wildness within that was seeking an alternative as it has never been fully recognised or nourished by family or collective conditioning arose within me. I became more aware of a schism between other people’s projections and expectations and my truly authentic self which was difficult to acknowledge due to a history of being led to believe I should be different from what I was, tone down my expression, not be so honest and hide the truth in order to please. I guess I developed an approval addiction which did not serve me well. I’m still breaking out of it, but am much more comfortable in my own skin now.
Seeing Jasper my dog run wild with a freedom, enthusiasm and boundless energy speaks to my heart. I feel the lack of pretence in him. When he loves, he just loves and I am so glad to have found friends at the dog park who don’t look askance on this kind of behaviour when my family do. But at times I have also found myself chastising him or trying to hold him back, partly this is out of consideration for others but part of it is a projected fear of my own, I must admit.
Smelly dog has gone now. He is always ravenously hungry and there never seems to be enough food in his bowl which he spends ages licking clean hoping to extract non existent nourishment from the ceramic. In time it might wear away. I can now hear the clicker clacker of that going on outside in the dying winter light.
I had my wild times. I don’t know if they were a manic reaction to the repression of both my childhood and the Catholic conditioning of my childhood and adolescence. When I found sobriety it was easy enough to judge this self as addictive, inappropriate and wrong somehow, but I do have a deep feeling that something of my soul was trying to express itself via this method and alcohol and drugs for me represented a liberation from inner inhibitions. It just became problematic when it started to get out of control.
I’ve just spied a great book on the value of the black sheep at the bookstore. I cant wait to read it. Apparently there is a great stress relief in using the “F” word, something that fills my very proper family with horror (with the exception of my lovely sister, Jude who died last April). I could always drop the “F” word with her and she would laugh, at least when she was in her more authentic personality.
There’s a lovely song about a child who wants to run with the wind, performed by an outfit called Bliss that I posted a while back. When I let Jasper off the lead and watch his liberated energy pouring forth in the lovely wild green field of nature that surrounds us on our daily walks I draw great comfort from it. I feel all that has been repressed and held back in me finally freed to express as it needs to and I have trust that what I let run far from me, will in time return in time on its own, refreshed from the adventure yet staying true to its homing instinct.