I had a lovely meeting with my therapist this afternoon. We were exploring how hard it has been for me to hold onto my own ground when I feel any discomfort. It is something I touched upon in an earlier post : Spun! And its something I am just beginning to see is a strong theme. Apparently it goes along with having had significant abandonments in the past and now being helped through difficulties due to emotional neglect, having a parent ‘save’ us to relieve our discomfort when that would actually be a growing or maturing experience for us.
In my growing up not much time was spent explaining things to me or discussing things of deeper significance or need. I would try to speak up for something I felt I needed and it would not be allowed or I would just be told what was going to happen without being asked if this was what I really needed or wanted. This theme has replayed and led to significant losses in my past and has contributed to me attracting those who don’t really always show me the appropriate respect. I think also as an active alcoholic that is how I started to cope with the buried anger and deeper sense of disappointment I carried that I could not speak. It all went very silent and I learned to revolve myself around others and have them show next to no interest about what was really going on with me.
The sense of my values not being seen or respected in a Venus issue and I was discussing with my therapist how my father also gave way on critical things too, most particularly with my brother who at one time put him under a huge amount of financial stress which I truly feel contributed to his stomach cancer along with him seeing the enormous trauma my older sister and I wen through in the years 1979 – 1983.
Venus is retrograde at the moment and my Dad had an afflicted Venus in his chart. He had the Venus at 8 Libra opposite Chiron in Aries at 8 degrees and square to Pluto at 9 degrees in Cancer, for that 1920s generation with Pluto in Cancer many were ripped away from not only their mothers which Cancer represents but also from the mother land. Dad had to leave Holland just before the outbreak of World War Two when he got a job in the Dutch East Indies. He left three sisters a mother and brother behind and later in his life they never figured much at all, although his second sister Lies longed for him for many years, I was later to find out. When I met her for the second time in 2000 I could not stop crying as the love she had for our family was palpable and in her humble living room she had lots and lots of photos of us, those relative she had never met but always longed for news of. I have seen the same theme repeat in my life and Lies had Sun in Aries..
When Dad met Mum and chose to settle in Australia following the war the emphasis was all on business. There were five separate businesses over the next 4o years and business was the focus of his world, that, his relationship with Mum and his garden.. oh and later his close relationship with my much older brother who now carries a lot of the same attitudes as my Dad and also remains always emotionally distant, though he makes little attempts to bridge the gap with hi siblings.
I was sharing with Katina this afternoon about the stress my brother put my father under and how he told Mum he had to support him even though it was stressing him and causing him pain. Dad then took a hard patriarchal line with two of his daughters who really wanted to study telling me an Arts degree was not worth the paper it was written on. I was then forced to do business studies and secretarial studies instead of teaching, something that had painful consequences. Being forced at the auction the other day had the feeling again of being pushed and I don’t know if it is helpful for all of those old feelings to be trasferred onto this new experience but they seem to have with these Venus issues being stirred up by the retrograde.
But then to complicate matters I also feel that a large part of me wants to move forward, but what I consciously or unconsciously got to move towards had so many echoes of the past. And part of me wants to be in a more contained space where there is not so much to do and finally I will be more able to interact with the outside world which to me has for so many years not really felt like a safe place to be and also a place towards I feel, at time so much ambivalence.
The questions I have are now. How much do I need to stand my ground? How much do I need to surrender? What if this latest challenge was all for the purposes of bringing old feelings up to be transferred onto now so I could learn but/and also MOVE FORWARD ANYWAY. Instead of feeling that I need to cling onto the past but loving the past that this older place of mine represents. Why did I feel the need to move on? Why do I write poems telling myself I have to not look back? Why? Why? Why? And can I recognise that there may be no answers to Why, or alternatively lots of different answers all of which could make sense. What if I could just embrace the new change? Questions, questions, questions. No solid answers, no definates, only a lot of possibilities and maybes. To stand strong, or to let go and move forward, either/or, both/and deeply am I finding myself inhabiting the paradoxes of life.