Well I had great news today. In the middle of writing my blog on fear my mother phoned and told me she is willing to take the contract on the townhouse I got forced into on herself and rent the property out. She is willing to release me from it. I must say I sighed a huge sigh of relief. Something far deeper was going on in pushing me towards a move that didn’t totally suit me and I see that now. I was able to stand up and say I don’t think this is right for me, there were a lot of doubts along the way but I did manage to do it. And I think what happened last weekend in a valuable lesson to me. Now I need to take my place in hand and really get the things fixed that need to be fixed and stop looking at flaws which come out of being raised with perfectionistic standards. I cannot tell you how happy I am feeling this evening.
I am seeing so much about my past and today I cried in therapy about what a big issue and struggle finding ‘home’ has been with me. It all started with my fathers’ death but maybe even before that when my sister Jude had her stroke, I ran up to Queensland to get away from the intensity of things and try to find my tribe but came unstuck and came back. Dad then died and I went overseas and had no real home for over 2 and a half years. When I came back Mum told me she was remarrying. I had no home with her any more. My godparents took me in for a time as I went to Sydney, we had about 6 months together as a family with the togetherness I never found in my own family. When I came home from my job they were there for me. We would go to the movies once a week. Eventually though the lure of the city called and I ended up in a group house and there was a lot of drinking and drugging that went on there. I fell pregnant there for the fourth time and had to be admitted to hospital one night as the sack with the embryo in it burst I had to drive myself to the hospital as my partner would not wake up. I was there from 2 am to 9 am when they finally told me what was happening. I could not go back to the group house after that. Things felt too out of control. I went back to my godparents and then had a termination of pregnancy but the trauma of it stirred up the other trauma of the three before that, two of which I shared about the other day in my blog.
My relationship with my third major partner fell apart under the strain. He lived at home with his Mum and they were rigid Catholics. He lied about the termination saying I had an appendicitis attack. When I spun out he broke it off. I went around to his mother’s house in a drunken state and off course was made to look like the ‘mad’ one. He lured me back in as the abandonment trauma was so deep for me and then he broke it off again. That night he arrived to take me out to dinner, had sex with me before we went out. When he dropped me home he said to me “I never want to see you again, you need psychological help!”. That was probably true but did he know the way he had lied to everyone had affected me? Did he know of the past trauma I was carrying? No!
It took me 3 years out of this to finally get sober. One night on the way home from work I saw him on the train. He was dead drunk (this was before I was sober but was realising I had a problem and was doing everything I could to try and pull back but had not yet found AA.). The three years interim were some of the darkest days of my life pre-sobriety. I was a mess and more trauma and accidents were to follow. I finally had a home of sorts though, I had finally got my own place and that was the flat my ex husband and I left behind to travel overseas and which he encouraged me to sell, so that when we broke up I no longer had that home. Our search for a home in Cambridge was sough with stress as I still had not dealt with any of my past. I had no home of my own for over 8 years after we broke up and it was then I got into the last damaging relationship. My ex pushed me until I moved in and I did so much to his little house, paid for new curtains, began to plant a garden all of this I had to leave behind when he broke it off with me. Moving my stuff out nearly lead me to a complete breakdown. I was so lucky at that time I had a new friend who came and stayed with me over night as I do not really know how I would have managed it alone.
Writing all of this out is showing me exactly how fraught my search for a home has actually been and why now I am so glad I don’t have to rip this cocoon of mine apart. I don’t know exactly why I looked to that new place but I think it was a repetition compulsion as part of working out past stuff around my life, home and values. That would make good sense with Venus now close to its second week of backwards movement and triggering my Mars Saturn Mars which rules home and family.
Thankfully my mother is now stepping up to back me up and support me. Perhaps she realises deep down how important it is to my emotional and psychological health that I can be supported in my dreams and wishes. I don’t think my father ever always fully supported her in her own. And everything she got she had to work for so hard with no father around. So maybe this current working out of things will heal a lot for us. She can make some money out of renting the property and perhaps resell it for a profit. I get to stay where I am and be financially self supporting, so everyone wins. And I can perhaps now lay some of those old ghosts and hauntings to rest. I see how hard I struggled to find a sense of home, how often I had the rug pulled out from under me and how much work I have done to work hard to reclaim my own emotional and psychic space. It feels really good to sit here and watch the sunlight stream in from the kitchen over the old Persian carpet.
Thank you loving Goddess for bringing me through the dark night to a place where I can feel the sun. I have survived so much abandonment and yet I have made it through. You will never know the many days and nights of suicidal depression I have had in the past 15 years but I am so glad to say it is ages since I have had any kind of thought of suicide and life now seems full of possibility and promise, if I can get to live and breathe and express as me. Its all I ever wanted. A place to lay the darkness to rest. Thanks so much to my fellow bloggers who have read supported and listened. You have given me a gift more precious than gold. I hope I can do the same for you. Love Deborah