I am thinking today of both of my parents who worked so hard all of their lives. They were not emotionally available to me and a lot of sadness has come up lately about feeling I had now where to turn and then Dad didn’t show the necessary empathy to me when I really needed it after my accident and my sister’s stroke and psychosis. I learned to take myself off alone and work hard too. For all the time I worked (up until about 17 years ago) I was always a valued employee due to my diligence.
When my breakdown/breakthrough started to happen I moved away from work. My ex husband was angry about it and saw it as a sign of laziness. But really it was not. Our marriage ended in the fire of that and I got my wish to spend time alone with days stretching a head of me with no commitments. But I was also going through a breakdown on a personal and collective level. It has taken some time for this to become clear. I try to be as responsible as I can but the time for joy doesn’t always happen. I find it most at the park watching my dog who carried my shadow, frolic and play. I see the upset look in his eyes when the vacuum comes out and we have to clean and ‘be serious’. I think sadly of my Dad who never got to enjoy, kick back and play with Mum. I think of my Mum’s deep sadness at losing her partner and best friend and of how that will be all coming up as she had two funerals today and tomorrow. I feel her deep sadness in my heart.
At the same time I know it isn’t too late for me. I know joy will find me again. I know I am strong and have survived so much. I know I can trust my feelings. I know I don’t have to work so hard any more to be or do anything I am not. Its a lesson I am learning slowly. To find and embrace the power, joy and happiness in any day but trusting what I feel to be right and doing it even when I fear it may run counter to other’s needs, wishes or ideas. There is sweet freedom in this.