You worked so hard

I am thinking today of both of my parents who worked so hard all of their lives.  They were not emotionally available to me and a lot of sadness has come up lately about feeling I had now where to turn and then Dad didn’t show the necessary empathy to me when I really needed it after my accident and my sister’s stroke and psychosis.  I learned to take myself off alone and work hard too. For all the time I worked (up until about 17 years ago) I was always a valued employee due to my diligence.

When my breakdown/breakthrough started to happen I moved away from work.  My ex husband was angry about it and saw it as a sign of laziness.  But really it was not.  Our marriage ended in the fire of that and I got my wish to spend time alone with days stretching a head of me with no commitments.  But I was also going through a breakdown on a personal and collective level.  It has taken some time for this to become clear.  I try to be as responsible as I can but the time for joy doesn’t always happen.  I find it most at the park watching my dog who carried my shadow, frolic and play. I see the upset look in his eyes when the vacuum comes out and we have to clean and ‘be serious’.  I think sadly of my Dad who never got to enjoy, kick back and play with Mum.  I think of my Mum’s deep sadness at losing her partner and best friend and of how that will be all coming up as she had two funerals today and tomorrow.  I feel her deep sadness in my heart.

At the same time I know it isn’t too late for me. I know joy will find me again.  I know I am strong and have survived so much.  I know I can trust my feelings.  I know I don’t have to work so hard any more to be or do anything I am not.  Its a lesson I am learning slowly.  To find and embrace the power, joy and happiness in any day but trusting what I feel to be right and doing it even when I fear it may run counter to other’s needs, wishes or ideas.  There is sweet freedom in this.

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