This issue of trust I am talking of today is not so much about the outside world which I am realising can be full of triggers that really are just messengers, its more about where I can place my trust in terms of my own perceptions of what is best for me. I have had an insight lately into an attitude of mind that takes the view that things are against me. In some way I was victimised. Really I think what is closer to the truth is that I was left alone and born in a family where so much was going on.
I was on the outside as a youngster watching a world of adults and by that state my parents, both survivors of the depression had had such a struggle to live amidst all of the collective forces around them. World War I played a big part as my Great Grandfather was injured in the war, he died when my Mum was 7 and by that stage she and my grandmother were far from relatives. There had been three migrations. Ancestors went from Cornwall to New Zealand in 1874, my great grandmother emigrated to Melbourne, Australia some time early in my grandmother’s life (during the 1910s perhaps). My grandmother then moved to a very small town, which was designated to become the capital city of Australia with my great grandfather Bluey Brander and they were here all alone when he died and Mum and Nana were left with no pension to survive.
My Nana left my Mum alone a lot and went out to work to survive. She was gone in the mornings by 5 am so Mum had no one to get her ready for school, often she wagged and then got in trouble and was sent to clean the chapel or stood in the corner with her face to the wall for not doing homework. Afternoons she was left alone and watched neighbourhood children play longing for siblings. Imprint passed to me, with 3 much older siblings who were more like parents or authorities over me I had no one else much and existed in my own world until I found two lovely friends around my own age from next door when I was about 5-7. But we had to leave that house because of my Dad wanting a bigger place for some reason and this imprint seems to be playing out for me now. I didn’t want a bigger place but was finding this one hard to manage alone.
Today I have gone to seek legal advice to see if I can get out of the contract I signed on the weekend for the new house. I felt pushed by the agent but I invited that due to my indecisiveness. Now part of why I am fighting is that I feel my boundary wasn’t respected at the time and that has triggered old issues with my Dad holding power over me at critical times and not allowing my wish or my time to work through the two traumas that had occurred in rapid succession when I was 17 and 18. My therapist pointed this out to me yesterday.
I got up early today to take the contract into town to a solicitor I have found to act for me. Also prior to this there was the weird case of synchronicity. When I went to pick up the contract from the sellers’ solicitors they are now resident with offices in the place my oldest sister was living in when she went into a psychosis following her stroke and abandonment by her husband. That spun me a bit yesterday, was it a sign the entire sale was fated, was I fighting fate by seeking a way out?
Today after picking up the contract and dropping it off I went to have a coffee and keep reading my book The Presence Process which arrived in January. I made a little progress with it before but today I am getting more deeply into it. According to the writer Michael Brown who cured himself of a chronic neurological condition using the process much of what we experience in life is a re-enactment of old emotional charges we hold onto. When we get upset or triggered by something seemingly in the outer world it is because it is a setup by our unconscious which requires us to turn within to our felt sense to feel what it is that is resonating deeper for us. This is not an intellectual process as what he claims and I believe to be true is that the mind can and does lead us astray at times from what is really going on at a deeper level. Michael refers a lot to the age span of 7. It is after 7 years of age that we form a mental apparatus to engage and make sense of the world, prior to that we feel everything in our bodies and deep in our souls and then we set up reactions and defensive patterns that can repeat. Thinking of this 7 number it relates to Saturn and both my parents had Sun Saturn which relates to loss of the father. I have Moon Saturn which shows the imprints of their father loss are imprinted in me emotionally.
I shared in another blog that when I was feeling shaky on the weekend the agent sensing I was the weakest link came to stand beside me and suggested a bid that was way out of line. Why the FUCK didn’t I hold my boundary? My therapist reckons it was the old imprint of playing dead and rolling over when my father forced me to do things against my soul calling. I was full of rage the other day which has died down now. But at the time I felt this feeling “oh here is my father, come beside me to try and support me forward”, the spiritual side of me imagined Dad and my sister Jude from the land of the dead prompting him as I had been praying to them both in the time leading up to the auction. So there are two ways of looking at things.
At the same time seeking legal advice is my way of standing up to the fact I feel my hand was forced. I am not willing to roll over and play dead. I was pushed to a higher price and my Mum and I are both upset about it. Writing this I know I am in my mental body. Earlier I was just crying my eyes out. I had the feeling of how long I spent in isolation so far from the world in all those years following my marriage when I felt I could not trust anyone. I had so much residue of hurt and pain and shame and guilt inside me. I was then 11 years sober. So much work has gone on since then. I see this little weatherboard place of mine as the cocoon in which I have been incubating. Just because I stay here doesn’t mean I wont fly in time. I am just not sure if the time is now. The new place is not as connected to nature as my old place. At the moment I am not sure which impulses to trust, but I do know that I am beginning to build that inner connection that Michael speaks about. I feel my body and felt senses holds the keys to mysteries more than my mind does. Trauma has shown me this because in trauma the body takes over the mind and shows it has the true power. Mind has to find a way to dissolve in the ocean of feeling/sensation that can feel very uncomfortable at times. We have to develop the courage and strength to stay with the overwhelming feelings until they help us see what we buried so long or impacted us so long in the body/felt sense/unconscious. This is the inner knowing I have at present.
Today inner voice said to me, trust your intuition and sensation, don’t get too lost in thinking. When I find myself thinking I will take a step outside into nature and connection for it is then that felt sense begins to move and give up its secrets. Then I feel my heart opening up and connecting and things come to me people, events and other thing that echo or resonate with things I am going through. This sense of connection fills me with light and joy and awareness that the universe isn’t really against me but willing to co-operate if I open up and move forward.