Hurting

So much deep hurt rose up in me this afternoon.  I met with my cousin who I have never really known very well but over the past year or so since my breast cancer surgery we have grown close. I have shared with her very painful experiences from my past because now I trust her.  Today so much opened up over the debacle with the townhouse and the fact I was left alone at the auction while my mother got distracted chatting to her best friend.  I did not realise before today that looking for and bidding for that house was all a replay of looking for something she would find acceptable and that was a reminder of my painful history.  Now that we are locked into a contract all the pain is coming up that was buried before and it was forewarned in the card I drew on Friday night for attending the auction : The eight of swords which shows being caught in an intractable dilemma.  I got the warning sign and felt trembly at the auction but I wasn’t strong enough to pull away and Mum admitted this morning she failed to support me when I needed it and left me vulnerable to the real estate agent.  I still don’t have strong boundaries and this latest incident occurring with Venus retrograde is highlighting all my Venus Neptune issues.  I am porous and don’t know how to protect or defend my psychic space well.

Today with my cousin all the pain around my first boyfriend who never really loved me came up.  I fell pregnant to him two times but I could not tell my mother. She walked into my house one Saturday morning when I was in my early 20s and found us in bed together and would not talk to me for a week.  I was crying with another close friend this morning about how I felt I could never go to either parent for support.  I wont go into all the painful details of the terminations but in those days I had to travel to the next major city and there were demonstrators outside waving placards in our faces.  Then I was whipped away on a long car journey taking 5 hours to be with friends of my ex.  The truth of the terminations was hidden from them and all but one of my close friends for years and I had to retire to the bedroom while they got stoned, feeling so much pain and so much shame.  This is only part of a story in a longer tail of how I was abandoned 3 times by this same person and went back for more each time.  He was the one who broke it off shortly after my father died.  And it was after my father died my mother read my diaries and confronted me about it saying how ashamed she was that I was her daughter.  My addiction really got a good boost from that particular betrayal of my privacy.

I was kind of relieved today that tears flowed with my cousin.  It felt like an authentic telling of the truth with appropriate feelings.  She didn’t say a lot but I felt she was with me.  I came home and was in a lot of pain.  My therapist failed to call me back today and then sent me a text which has pissed me off. I ended up shutting off the phone after replying to a text from another friend to say I want to be as far away from the world and other people as I can be at the moment.  I just came home and lay quietly on the floor with Jasper my dog hand to paw in the early evening silence.

The pain has eased a little now but this afternoon made me aware of the deep wound I am carrying.  This charade of looking for a new home is some kind of outplaying of some old imprints, I see that now.  Really I would have appreciated some of the money to help repair this place and make it cosy but that wasn’t good enough for my Mum and she cut off contact with me for a week when I challenged her on it a few weeks ago.  Idiot me, I ended up calling her.  Fuck and double fuck, no matter how much I get hurt I go back for more.  I feel like cutting off all contact with the agent.  He can deal with the sale through my Mum I don’t want any of it. I just want to be as far away as I can so that I can heal.  I have had enough am so fucking tired of having had to bury all this pain which is an outfall of being abandoned by my Mum and having that replay in so many relationships.  I feel I am done.

Anyway it is getting late and I wanted to rest tonight without too much time on the computer.  I am going off to have a cup of tea and a relax before bed.  I now know that for years I blamed myself for being a defective person but really I was doing the best I could with what I had. I know my Mum has done the same but her actions have still hurt me a lot and damaged my life,  tonight I am angry and don’t want to open the door again for a while.

 

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