I posted this earlier today then took it down as it seemed to all over the place. I then went out to meet my cousin and read my astrology for the day. It said that in a world of people who are so certain its easy to lose our own way. It also said that everyone would be telling me the opposite of what I need to do today, but to trust myself anyway. I am trying to find out who that self really is that I need to trust. Feels like a breakdown at the moment in my mind.
I am never entirely sure how much power there is in certainty. It seems to me that overly certain individuals are often rigid in some place, they have erected a steely defence to barricade the smaller, vulnerable, at times deeply powerless self inside. They wont allow it out as to do so would be perhaps a too painful reminder of how it was to be small and young and at the mercy of bigger, more powerful spirits who had their own agenda.
If you are subject to this kind of thing then your relationship to your own will becomes thwarted in some way. You get to equate power with control and you hate control. Many years ago control hurt you deeply and you never want to be hurt or feel that powerless again and so you resist control and fall into a deep uncertainty born of seeing how complex and humans can be. Our entire human existence is precarious. We are subject to so many uncertain forces. If love is the one force that you could not trust or that was so uncertain how then do you learn to trust or know what is right and good and true. Is there such a thing?
I now have a very, very good male friend. I met him when I met the ex who broke my heart. This friend stayed with me through thick and thin, always being there. I did not know if I could fully trust him at first but over the years he has proved his value and worth to me as a person of true character and honesty. He has been my rock these past few days after going through such a painful struggle after being gently manipulated to bid a certain price for a property that I now know my heart was not truly in. Much as I am suffering at the moment due to seeing how I was gently coerced and how I then collapsed my boundary at the last moment (which is such an old pattern I am metaphorically grinding my teeth as I write this in upset with myself), his friendship is the hugest comfort.
Yesterday I realised that if I had stood firm on Saturday with my request for more time, I would have been able to get out of any contract I signed this week. Due to the fact I was pressured to sign on Saturday I cannot get out of it without losing the deposit. I now have to buy it and I am so upset. But I have to turn this shit into compost and not beat myself up. I was longing for a place where I did not have the work to do but I see that there was beauty in the work and the flaws. Who knows eventually I may change my mind and move into the new property, I am still not entirely certain that staying in an aging property makes sense and the answer changes depending on who I talk too.
At the moment I am grieving. I honestly don’t how I can leave this place with the gorgeous tree that calls to me at the moment deep in my soul. Autumn leaves are falling, I go out to clean some of them up and realise for all the mess it creates there is the love and deep soothing of lying under its soft green leaves in summer. I am then focusing on what I will lose that is of value to my soul and not seeing benefits in the other place.
At the moment Saturn and Neptune are doing battle in my consciousness. Saturn, Mr Super Reliable has told me I need to front up, stop being a baby and emotional and romantic and scared and move forward bite the bullet and be practical, practical, practical, pruning back, cutting away, casting off the old and damaged. This force is fighting Neptune Mademoiselle Romantic who wants to rest graciously and soulfully in her quirky character filled house stacked with momentos and memorabilia, writing her poems, stroking the dog and drinking tea deeply in harmony in her soul as filtered light flows in on the old Persian carpet.
Both forces are doing battle Saturn Mr SR is that force that is definite, not doubting or otherwise and at other times he is full of doubt only seeing what is missing. Neptune MR is never quite sure of anything as there are always several different deeply paradoxical ways to view the current situation and she can always find a philosophical answer to soften things. What looks bad at one moment could turn good at the next. What glitters and looks like gold in one minute may begin to tarnish when a new light is shed on things. So it goes : many different disparate viewpoints setting themselves up deeply inside my consciousness. Meanwhile time marches on, at 11 am no breakfast has been eaten due to the many phone calls dealing with the fall out from Saturday and due to the poems flying like sparks off Mademoiselle Neptune’s fingers as she lets them dance over the keyboard
Both my lovely friend and my Mum said to me this morning. Keep being positive, I am sure that there is something good that is going to come out of all of this. And I realise as I write that if I can let myself be really, really negative for a time that may be a good thing too. Allowing myself to indulge my deepest painful feelings of the many other times in deciding something I lost something incredibly precious will hurt for a time but in time the hurt will fade and I will see that I survived to lose and live again. Being negative will reveal painful realities to me that others may be too defended to see but once the shit is out there perhaps outside of the darkness of it will transform with the gifts of water, time, attention, self reflection and consciousness into new feelings, insights, perspectives and realisations. Maybe then in days and days and days I will be able to move forward into the new direction, sacrificing neither Mr Reliable or Mme Romantic but finding them each a room to live in in what ever home I choose to inhabit in as the next chapter of my story unfolds.