I find it hard to know what I really want. I find it hard to accept the flaws in myself and in life. I was raised in a situation where I needed to be more together than I was. I just read something on Moon Saturn and it spoke of being overly responsible or taking on too mych responsibility due to fear of not being good enough. I childhood Mum would dress us up in dresses when I really probably would have rather played in the dirt in overalls. I see now how I have transferred this entire thing on to my living situation.
I allowed myself to be gently pushed at the auction yesterday. There was no opening bid so the agent came to my side to encourage me to make a bid. I wish I had just stood firm. I put in the bid he suggested then the counter offer came from the agent via the owner and once such bid is allowed at an auction. He then was trying to force me to make another bid but I held off. I now see I was very ambivalent about owning the place. Everyone else left and then the agent was asking for a particular offer saying if I did not make it I may miss out. I really wish at this point I just said I would wait to see how I feel. But I ended up making the recommended offer and then it was accepted, contract signed. It is like a part of me was watching it all from afar. And I didn’t feel the sense of joy I should have at the signing. Today I just feel regret. I am looking around my home seeing all the things that need to be done, that could have been done with a little help. I have been taking steps over the past week to get these things done.
This morning I lay in bed for a long while talking to myself. There were some descents into deep grief during this hour and a half of going over everything in my mind. What was foremost was my father dying all those years ago. I don’t know how this relates and I am not going to intellectualise about it. I am using Jeff Foster’s advice and just staying with my breath and my feelings. When the agent stood beside me early on at the auction my entire body was quaking, it was hard to stand up, he is not a pushy guy and I do trust him, he was trying to get the best price for his client and his standing there felt like a support and that was when I thought of my Dad. During the final years of his life we often clashed I was in my late teens and early 20s and rebelling against his entire lifestyle. One of our final encounters was an argument, not a firey, totally angry one but one in which he was angry at me for not doing something I should have done but didn’t know to do! He was admitted to hospital a few hours later with complications following his cancer surgery and eventually given medicine to calm him which put him in a coma of sorts. He then died while an emergency procedure was being performed, his heart gave out.
I know if my Dad was alive he could have and would have given me help with the property here. Part of the reason I felt the need to move was that as its an older property somethings are breaking down and due to my PTSD I have not been able to keep on top of the garden as much I should. Winter is also coming and its a cold house. Today I find myself very much in Virgo Full Moon opposite Pisces Sun territory. Virgo is telling me to be practical, but if I held off and worked on this house Virgo would have helped me to get those things fixed that need to be fixed. On another level Virgo is telling me to forget the romantic dreams of Pisces in holding onto a home that has nostalgic value for me in favour of a more solid property that has been cared for. I am just reminding myself today that I don’t ‘have’ to move. Luckily I have some lee way with finances. I can work on getting those things that need to be fixed here. Move into the other place for a few nights by putting a mattress on the floor and a few bits of furniture I can take over there in the car. And I am aware that maybe there is a lot of grief work to be done in the process of the move and holding on wont solve the fact that in letting to and surrendering there is an open new space that can feel very uncomfortable for a time.
All in all things are fine. I don’t have to poison everything with disaster scenarios. This is new territory for me. I am beginning to see that there is part of me that keeps up a running script that others are enemies out to get me or hurt me in some way. By focusing on the negative I don’t see the positive. At the same time I know we do need to be savvy and wary in life.
On the way back from the auction my Mum was trying to encourage me to get my car fixed (it has a few minor dents I got when emotionally upset leading into my cancer treatment last year and just after my bridge veneer got broken). I got upset inwardly but stood my ground with her in a good way. I said how sad it makes me when she tries to ‘perfect’ me all the time. Her Venus is Virgo and she likes things to look good and function optimally, whereas for me I don’t mind a few brakes or cracks in things, they show character and experience. Kudos to Mum she apologised to me yesterday. ‘Let’s just try and focus on the love between us’, I said and she agreed.
My regret is this, did I choose a house where everything was functioning well as that is what I have been conditioned to want? I guess I will only know after I move into the new place for a month. I am going to do that before I put my place on the market here because I am still not sure of the right way to go. Venus is still retrograde and will be until after settlement when it will oppose my Mum’s Venus. There are lessons here I can glimpse them but I cannot fully see them yet. But I don’t want to loose what I have worked so hard to build over the past few years of healing and therapy. Much of my pain is easing and at times I am feeling so much peace and joy. I would hate that to disappear if I make a mistake over what I truly value and where I truly need to live.