My life has value

This is a post I wrote some time ago.  It reflects on self value and on some astrological themes that were pertinent at the time.  It may belong to trash!   Slowly drafts are dwindling down to 58!!!

Some questions for you.  Who and what do you value?  Can you love and value yourself?  I have major learnings with this one but an its been a long path to value myself.  Sadly it wasn’t something I was taught and as I got into recovery I began to talk to my mother about her childhood.  Her father died when she was 7 and her mother never once told her she was valued or loved.  My Mum was sent to clean the chapel and missed classes, she often played hooky from school. Was it any wonder, without a nurturant presence she didn’t do her homework and ended up with her face turned away standing in the corner of the classroom?  Her mother sent her into domestic service at age 13 when she had new prospective husband on the scene.

My Mum turned into a survivor who knew little about nurturance.  I know she loved and loves me, but she was often busy, tired or working.  Over the past 10 years I haven’t worked due partly to choice and partly to good fortune but at times I go through feeling I lack value because I am not working and yet my life is very full of good and healthy things.

The problem I do have is with a very judgemental inner critic.  I am more and more aware of its running commentary and am better able over the past 3 or so months to answer it back.   I see the work I need to do now is with the loving voice that can counter this harsh judgmental critical one and shed love and light on my own self value.

I also seem to have major lessons with learning to be alone.  As child in a much older family I learned to be comfortable in my own company.  I am like a lot of introverts in that I feel nurtured and nourished by time alone and in nature.  This side of me hasn’t always been valued by those around me who often tell me I need to be different.  The truth is I do love good company.  And its fun to spend time with others, but after a time, like most introverts I need time alone to feel fulfilled and refreshed.  It is when I am alone that I feel I most touch base with the infinite and with peace.  I find so much peace lately in solitude.

A strong sense of self value means we are less influenced by the opinions of others when they don’t sit right with us.  Only we can say what is right for us, others just don’t know. Part of being co-dependent (which I was for many years) is not knowing what is right for us, accepting wholesale other’s opinions as just that, their opinions.  Recovery for me means not being closed to those opinions in a rigid way but in calmly standing close to my own, running them through the filter of my own heart which knows best what is right for me.

I’m grateful at present to be having the Saturn sextile to my Mars Saturn Moon in Aquarius.  I am finding a sense of greater meaning (Saturn in Sagittarius) in seeing the wisdom of past and present events.  What at first seems negative to me is soon transforming into something that is a sign I need to go in another direction and search for different alternatives rather than a reason to bitch, blame or get upset.

Interesting symbol isn’t it the one for Sagittarius?  It shows a rider (actually an archer) which is part horse and part human shooting an arrow straight for a target, if that archer is getting turned off course he or she needs to point the arrow in a different direction, towards another target.

Saturn in Sagittarius may also speak of a time of discovering a deeper connection between my human and instinctual sides, of finding a clearer time of inner power and forward movement that allows me to travel forward and embrace realistic imagining and dreams.  Jupiter ruling Saturn for a time brings a sense of optimism instead of ground down fear, negativity, suspicion and distrust (all associated with the sign Scorpio which Saturn has recently ended its transit of.)

Here in Australia we have gone through a change of leadership in our government and I listened to a programme analysing the major change, it had to do with moving towards a philosophy of optimism and hope and away from a climate of fear and negativity which seemed to me to reflect aspects of Saturn’s shift.  For me now its a relief to feel finally the lightening of the load and a sense of the value of what has passed in order to make way for a time of renewed optimism and hope based on realistic goals and grounded in a sense of myself as valuable.

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