Two voices

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Decisions are strongly on my mind this morning.  Tomorrow is the auction for the property I have been looking at over the past month.  I went to see it four times and last night I met the owner who was full of light and love for the place that he has nurtured since he bought it two years ago.  I could sense how sad he was to move but its time as he is growing a family soon after marrying last year.  It is so very different to my home which is full of old world character and every section of my place is full of beautiful things I have collected over many years each of which have a meaning for me.

When I was helped to buy this place I was pushed into it by my Mum but it was with good intentions from her side, provide practically for your children in terms of financial security.  Really I just needed loving arms around me and not to be so alone but that had never happened for me really.  At the time I was full on in the agony of leaving that painful last relationship with a very hard line narcissist and the prospect of being alone was not what my heart really wanted.  I  have had so many experiences of going it alone at painful times and then experiences of a new beginning my ex husband and I started to make torn up.  There was so much in my soul I had not yet fully met coming out of over 17 years of addiction and 6 years into sobriety it was all rising up to be dealt with and I had to come back from the UK to be close to the family that was so painful for me to grow up in.  Then I tried to go away again, so scared by the prospect and missing the UK my ancestral home with all my heart.

Our marriage didn’t survive it. My husband wanted the happy Deborah back but I had a very deep dark wood to enter on the cusp of 40, I could sense it was what Carl Jung calls a deep night sea journey into the unconscious.  Its interesting as last night I pulled three Mythic Tarot Cards for help with my decision about whether or not to move.  Two fell out of the pack while I was shuffling it with first thought of ‘staying’ in my mind.  The first card was The Star which relates to Pandora opening a box of woes and pain and then seeing hope emerge at the end of that long unpacking.  I shed tears in bed as I read the final paragraphs in the Mythic Tarot book as it spoke so much to the journey I have been on in the five years I have lived in this number 8 house, a number of transformation.

The second card for staying was The High Priestess which in the Mythic Tarot relates to Persephone, Queen of the Underworld.  Many years ago at the beginning of my recovery in a book on the goddesses within I read a chapter that related so strongly to the archetype of Persephone who is captured to the Underworld by Pluto/Hades.  It spoke to me deeply of what happened to me when I was torn from the daylight simple innocent world of late adolescence and torn apart by the accident I had at age 17 and then all the painful years of loss and trauma that followed as I tried to deal with it all my not really dealing with the pain in and through addiction.  The High Priestess is that part of us or the soul in us that visits the underworld of our unconscious to deal with these seeds and residues we have digested.  In the underworld Persephone eats of the fruit of the pomegranate and has to remain there, deep down below for part of the year, only emerging to be reunited with her grieving mother Demeter for part of the year.  This card also spoke to me.

The card I pulled for leaving was the two of cups which speaks of the union of masculine and feminine and is apparently a harbinger of a new relationship, the town house I am looking at is part of an enclave of 5 properties and the owner last night told me what a caring community it is.  I would be involved with a body corporate where as here I am a lone wolf.

In considering my decision I often hear two different voices in my head.  One of them tells me to stay here and keep building my cocoon.  “Look at all the beautiful things around you”, it says “there are not the places for them in your new home, it doesn’t have the cosy small front room open to a front street lined with trees on which others can amble past.  It has a colour bond fence, don’t you think its going to be so lonely there?”  The interesting thing is at 7 and after about 5 years a small cosy house in a close neighbourhood, as I have shared before, we were forced to move and I hated the move.  It was lonely and sad and the house was too big and under construction.  Lots of trauma happened there and like this  new place it was just along the street and around the corner and around another street.  There are just so many parallels and with Venus retrograde I keep thinking something is happening to make me revisit that time over again and I am fearful of making the move if its just repeating and old unconscious pattern.  I shared that with my therapist yesterday and she was also a bit concerned about it.. The first voice is concentrating on all I will loose if I move from here.  It isn’t looking forward to what I will gain in the new house.

The first voice is also saying to me.  “Why aren’t you more grateful for what you do have, instead of looking always somewhere else for something outside to make you happier when really you know you have everything you need to be happy here.  What happens if you make this decision only to find that all along you were not appreciating enough what you already had?  Then its going to be bad and you will beat yourself up at a time when you have been starting to feel so connected and happier.”

The second voice reminds me how cold this place can be in winter.   The first voice says “well yes, but your place has an open fire” and so it goes on back and forward between the two voices.  The second voice wants me to embrace the new and move onto new possibilities, the first voice wants me to remain cosy in the womb I have built here.  But what if I am meant to now shed my cocoon and fly a little.  Writing this last sentence is making me sad I think it may be a sign that is where the new energy wants to take me and shedding tears will all be part of a shedding that perhaps I need to co-operate with.  Maybe it is time to move on and embrace this new opportunity.

I then pulled another Mythic Tarot card for what would happen if I was successful at the auction.  It was the Eight of Swords.  This card is about indecision or paralysis, the feeling that there are two choices but neither is ideal and that there may have been some untruthfulness going on somewhere.  I am not entirely sure what to make of this other than it may concern the beat up I mentioned above.

Today I need to let go of thinking too much more about what to do.  I need to get out and deal with things that need doing in the day.  I actually took a while to fall asleep last night and a fair amount of time to gently wake this morning.   There is so much emotion so close to the surface at present in facing the prospect of moving, but it is manageable. I notice it rises and falls in response to certain thoughts of past loss and missing the longed for strong presence of a loving father who could give me advice.

In the end I know there is no soft way out.  I have to wrestle with things inside my head and then when I make a decision go forward not looking back in regret, rumination or nostalgia too much.  The other night at dinner an old family friend said to me “don’t torture yourself, I am older and I know what a waste of energy that is”, however to be human is to struggle at times with decisions especially when we know the painful consequences that can come with seemingly ‘wrong’ ones.  I just have to keep living, loving and moving forward a day at a time or even a minute at a time to embrace happiness, joy and hope which as The Star tarot card shows me are the fruits of struggling through a difficult, painful or lonely time of loss and transformation.

4 thoughts on “Two voices

  1. Just wanted you to know that the poem you liked “Process of Life and Death” on lovesillusionblog was stolen from my blog word for word! It’s my ex stalking me and posting other crap about me. That’s my poem!

  2. Choices. Such a difficult place to be in. Someone once told me that there are no right and wrong choices. That no matter what path we choose, we learn something from it. That there are good and bad aspects to any decision, and there will never be a perfect answer. We don’t always have to know which road to take. I wish there was a way we could be sure before making a big decision, such as moving.

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