That’s a powerful word, agony and we shouldn’t use it too much, as I am sure there is a lighter way to approach the challenging and tumultuous decisions of life, like buying and selling a home which if you think about it cuts to heart of deep issues for home is a place in which we are contained and it takes some years of living to build the energy of home around you and it involves so many different things for different people, associations and attachments. And in my case there is then the complication of an inheritance which my mother wants to give me before she dies, but in an extended family like mine where I had a sister who died and had massive health issues and sons who were not well cared for financially it becomes an even bigger issue. I know one of my nephews is struggling a lot with his business and finances and that he in some way could really use the kind of help that I am being offered and if it was my grandson I would have to help him.
I feel both guilty and responsible to think someone is willing to bequeath me an inheritance when those others are struggling themselves. I am just not a selfish person in that regard and I am aware that maybe I should put these bothering thoughts out of my mind but I am just not sure how to get past them.
In our family it was never money that was the problem in later years, though I know my father went through huge stresses both financially and emotionally in the years before he died, it was more about time and attention. In a busy business oriented family there was not a lot of time and attention to go around and then when traumas hit the attention that was needed was stolen away and left deep voids and black holes in which I struggled so much.
In these later years of recovery I still struggle to have others attention in a busy world. I had a falling out with some friends a while back when I was really struggling emotionally and after a sinus operation and someone lay a huge trip on me when I expressed some frustration and anger in a clean way and cut me off from any further invites to social functions. One member of that circle has stood by me, she knows what I have gone through in my life and that I am a good person, if I lash out there is something going on and being shown a lack of empathy really triggers me. But the old wound was triggered this week when a friend had her birthday and was too busy to even return my birthday message and an invite to take her out to dinner when I knew the circle all got together on that night. It hurt me but I keep reminding myself not to take it too personally. I have other friendships where I feel there is more coming back and its often with people who aren’t so hard pressed in the everyday world. I know that not everything is all about me and my feelings, but saying that my feelings do matter. The friend who cut me did not even acknowledge my sister’s death 6 months after the earlier incident of exile.
I was talking about it with my therapist yesterday. I was saying how the path of healing and recovery I am on means I will be exiled from certain situations. That group of friends like their booze, they never get out of control with it, but I don’t live that way, so perhaps its better but it still leaves me on the outside, however maybe it is better to be on the inside of myself, exiled with my dog Jasper making random connections heart to heart in the world with others which touch deeper than these mere social get togethers do.
I also think the prospect of moving to a new house that doesn’t front onto a quiet street of close knit neighbours is triggering something. The bedroom in the townhouse I am looking at fronts onto a wall with shrubs where as the one I am in now faces the bathroom of my next door neighbours a lovely Indian family with small children and often the light is on and I feel comforted by that when I wake in the middle of the night just knowing people are close by. Come to think of it this thought of moving is triggering all the pain of the move we were forced to make when I was 7 from a street where there were neighbours and friends I used to play with to a lonely shell of a huge house with little inner comfort. Now is not then but there are echoes there!!
Even as I write this I wonder if I am making these things more important than they are though. I find when I wake in the middle of the night in a dark room thoughts are intense. Last night I was feeling angry and sad because my sister told me my nephew who I had been very close to had been in touch with her. He totally forgot my birthday and acknowledged hers. This may seem petty but I had shared with him that I was hurt my sister had gone to the coast alone and not asked me to go. He hasn’t been in touch with me since I shared that prior to my birthday and now I feel I may have been selfish and guilty not seeing things from her point of view, but once again togetherness was thwarted. I got into a bit of a rage about it in the middle of the night last night. Not easy to admit but I need to be honest on my blog. It makes me sound very self centred and probably I am and can be. I then thought of something I had read somewhere that a Buddhist teacher wrote, that depression was about being self centred. I can kind of get this. When things start to hurt the focus falls on that wound and then it can grab our attention and drain all happiness away. This is not a place I want to live any more. I want to be open to embrace life from a real place of giving but I also need to give that empathy to myself when I am feeling a totally stung by people.
Its probably no surprise all of this is coming up this month and as we head towards the Full Moon, the New Moon Solar Eclipse of abut 10 days ago fell on Chiron planet of wounding and healing in my seventh house. Its my sore spot and its being triggered a lot this week. On the day of the auction the Moon will pass over my Pluto in the first house and oppose Chiron so there will be painful feelings either way associated with change and letting go. At the moment I am so unclear as to what to do on Saturday. Part of me want to avoid the auction all together, part of me is terrified of change, another part of me is excited about it. Another part of me wishes I could give some of that money to help my nephew and be less centred on myself as I don’t like to think of him having little support and struggling.
And so life goes on inside my head on another day. I will do what I did yesterday, set about having a day where I get out and about and take positive steps around my home. The winter will be stealing in soon on icy legs so its going to be less warm here, but I still have my blankets and ugg boots and winter woollies to keep warm. I need to keep focusing on the positive, on the life that is left to live and not agonise too much. If you have stuck with this conundrum until here, thanks for listening and reading.